Black and White

There was a time when I was absolutely terrified of making the wrong decision, or regretful that I had made a wrong decision, and that somehow, there was no way to turn back. Yet, I think we're all going to end up in the same place no matter what, we'll all end up at the top of the mountain, as Boomer would say, we just take some varied paths to get there. It seems that some decisions create outcomes that are easier than others, and sometimes we just gotta learn some shit before we take another step forward.

Like the two branches of the tree going towards the sky, I don't think there are any wrong decisions, ever. The Universe will always bring justice to the situation. It will always balance itself out... which is why when I look at how people are treating the earth, treating themselves, and treating each other, the near future looks pretty fuckin scarry. I think it's gonna take some very brave people to bring the world back into balance. Maybe it'll happen in our generation, maybe in our kids', but the momentum is building. I hope I can be brave enough to help.

I am working with anger, lust, frustration. It has been a recurring pattern in my life to be tempted by women who can't commit. Why is that? I don't really know. It seems that I've always wanted something out of the women I love that they can't give me. To love openly, spontaneously... how does this relate to myself? While I have lots of anger still, I have not truly claimed my part in it. It's easy to blame others for the cause of your pain, even if it's completely obvious, yet there are always aspects of the situation that you put yourself into.

I didn't trust myself. I clung. I waited. I blamed. I was scared of life. Scared to really be myself, because fuck, I'm still figuring out what that is. Yet, it's not so hard to find that really. We all know those subtle differences when we are truly being ourselves and when we are somehow sacrificing our integrity for whatever reason. I don't regret it though. While there was a part of me that knew it was probably a good idea to let her go, I still had to give it another go. And we did. And we both discovered what we had already known deep within.

Have you ever tried to combat anger in yourself? It's fucking impossible to combat it. Or even to avoid it. You just have to sort of keep it in check. Just watch it. And use the power of suggestion to create space. I'm no victim. Angry though. Yes, still unable to release this anger.

What did I learn from Katie?
I admired her ability to respect herself. I loved the way she created her spaces. She recognized things that were special to her so easily. She elucidated the beauty in the ordinary and simple. She showed me these aspects of life. Very grounded, very connected to earthy things, while I always seem to have my head in the clouds. I loved her so dearly, I think, that I began trying to see the world through her eyes. I wanted to draw wisdom out of the world the way that she did. And that, somehow, isn't right, because I lost touch with the way I interact with the world. Mind, openness, air, possibility, urgency, unbelievable connectedness. I like ideas. And these days, I am being pushed to embody. Yeah, I can talk about all these things, but how do I ambody them? Have I truly experienced my Self? Have I?

Mystery and intuition. Balance and rebirth. Creation, destruction.

I am going to do a vision quest in a few weeks. Four days of fasting followed by 24 hours on the hill, naked, with a blanket, a pipe, and prayer. For what? To really get to know myself again. To bring myself out of the darkness. To be broken down. To surrendur absolutely.

Can I hear my voice again?

Not sure, but i's changing. Maybe it's more honest. Maybe it's just as cheesy as before. But it does feel older. Wiser? maybe. While I want to mature and grow up, what I really want is to get wiser about all this.

And just fuckin enjoy it all. Basically cheer myself up. Because come on, it's my life. It's life in general. Beautiful, scarry, mysterious, fun, fucked up, and alive. Expanding, shutting down, clear, confused, black and white.

You know?

Well,

Got another reading from Howard.

Be patient.

Beware and become aware of your tempations.

Anger, lust, wantonness, from a woman.

Yet

Women as a whole, women as a group can bring you back into the light.

Cheer yourself up.

Temptation lies SW of here. NW is better... openness, liveliness. Oregon feels... right somehow.

Off I go.

Dreams

I was told that I have psychic powers. I just don't trust them enough.

Dreams brilliant enough to confuse with reality.

Must keep looking forward and stay with the breath.

She has moved on. You are too.

Burnt skin and a tree full of prayers.

Healed.