I've found... Good people are everywhere. And if I can find life here in the suburbs, I'm pretty sure I can find it anywhere. That's the freedom I've been looking for. And it's both tangible and magical, recognizable, yet ineffable, but there, all the time, inviting you, to say yes to it all. Now. now. now. not somewhere in a fantasy of a better life, a clearer understanding, now, no wait, no teacher, no guru to open your mind or explode it into oblivion, now... stillness giving rise to form, space enough to play. now. here in this body, in this life, in this breath,... and this one... and this one.
and this one.
GLOWING.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
It's been a while.
Since I wrote. Three months? Wow, amazing. I can truly say a lot has changed.
"Rhyme writin, pressure is on, wanna move to the desert, sing guitar songs, wanna move away form the big city crime and fear, but I know the world needs me here, you too!"
Is it really possible that I found beauty in the suburbs? Fuckin crazy man. But I did. It's super interesting to read my last blog, and feel what I was feeling three months ago, and then, feel how I'm feeling right now... which is pretty damn good. And really, my outside circumstances haven't changed all that much at all. I'm still at the same job with the same people, living in the same place, doing the same things I did for fun... It's colder outside now, I've been doing some art, I've hooked up with a few girls, and slept with a couple of them, and shit, I've got to stop there, because I'm not gonna lie, those girls helped tremendously.
Why?
I think the simplest answer would be that it reminded me that other girls actually exist, and that they could actually be into me, and that I could actually let go of all my fear and resistence and clinging and depression, and just talk to girls and play. And it's funny, none of them were girls that I could picture being with, but they were fun, and I think that's exactly what I needed, that reminder that life can be and is incredibly fun. A comedy within a tragedy. A tragedy within a comedy. Chaos and the potential for chaos is always just as present as pattern and form, and I think we yearn for both, and finding that balance is maybe what makes us so crazy and beautiful and human.
I had a thought the other day about the similarties between the idea of sin/confession, and meditation. They both are most basically about being honest about who we are, and accepting it fully, gently. That's what the context brings. Sin really just translates to "missing the mark" which isn't some sort of fire and brimstone threat, that if you don't act a certain way, you will go to hell, rather, it you act a certain way, have a certain view of the world, you are in fact living in hell, during those moments, and it's not anything that someone else can tell you, it's a well-being within yourself, and talking to someone about whatever you happen to be feeling is a good way to become honest with yourself, and feel accepted no matter what, which is why people are always forgiven when they go to confession, I think, I've never gone to confession, but maybe I should. I think it'd be cheaper than therapy. So anyways, and similarly, meditation is pretty much doing the same thing, becoming completely honest and okay with who you are, becoming more and more familiar with the patterns of your own mind, and constantly and consistently accepting what you see, over and over again. Coming back to the moment, and back to the breath allows you to see the transluscence of all those crazy thoughts, it allows you to see that all those things that you might conisider to be the foundation of who and what you are, are actually kinda fleeting, they arise, peak and fall away, moving through your mind like waves in the ocean. Honesty, gentleness, acceptence, transcendence. We are constantly choosing ourselves and our world.
Who are you trying to protect?
Who is it that you are trying so hard to keep alive? To define?
These are some questions that I find myself asking.
What are you waiting for?
Let me know.
"Rhyme writin, pressure is on, wanna move to the desert, sing guitar songs, wanna move away form the big city crime and fear, but I know the world needs me here, you too!"
Is it really possible that I found beauty in the suburbs? Fuckin crazy man. But I did. It's super interesting to read my last blog, and feel what I was feeling three months ago, and then, feel how I'm feeling right now... which is pretty damn good. And really, my outside circumstances haven't changed all that much at all. I'm still at the same job with the same people, living in the same place, doing the same things I did for fun... It's colder outside now, I've been doing some art, I've hooked up with a few girls, and slept with a couple of them, and shit, I've got to stop there, because I'm not gonna lie, those girls helped tremendously.
Why?
I think the simplest answer would be that it reminded me that other girls actually exist, and that they could actually be into me, and that I could actually let go of all my fear and resistence and clinging and depression, and just talk to girls and play. And it's funny, none of them were girls that I could picture being with, but they were fun, and I think that's exactly what I needed, that reminder that life can be and is incredibly fun. A comedy within a tragedy. A tragedy within a comedy. Chaos and the potential for chaos is always just as present as pattern and form, and I think we yearn for both, and finding that balance is maybe what makes us so crazy and beautiful and human.
I had a thought the other day about the similarties between the idea of sin/confession, and meditation. They both are most basically about being honest about who we are, and accepting it fully, gently. That's what the context brings. Sin really just translates to "missing the mark" which isn't some sort of fire and brimstone threat, that if you don't act a certain way, you will go to hell, rather, it you act a certain way, have a certain view of the world, you are in fact living in hell, during those moments, and it's not anything that someone else can tell you, it's a well-being within yourself, and talking to someone about whatever you happen to be feeling is a good way to become honest with yourself, and feel accepted no matter what, which is why people are always forgiven when they go to confession, I think, I've never gone to confession, but maybe I should. I think it'd be cheaper than therapy. So anyways, and similarly, meditation is pretty much doing the same thing, becoming completely honest and okay with who you are, becoming more and more familiar with the patterns of your own mind, and constantly and consistently accepting what you see, over and over again. Coming back to the moment, and back to the breath allows you to see the transluscence of all those crazy thoughts, it allows you to see that all those things that you might conisider to be the foundation of who and what you are, are actually kinda fleeting, they arise, peak and fall away, moving through your mind like waves in the ocean. Honesty, gentleness, acceptence, transcendence. We are constantly choosing ourselves and our world.
Who are you trying to protect?
Who is it that you are trying so hard to keep alive? To define?
These are some questions that I find myself asking.
What are you waiting for?
Let me know.
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