"The problem is that we don't really want to relate with the actuality of things as they are." --Chogyam Trungpa
Relationship. Hmmm, two people relating to each other. That's all that is. Two human beans, just relating with each other. And that somehow makes ALL the difference in the world. It can mean life or death for the most romantic, it can mean happiness or sadness, for many, and it can mean wholeness or searching searching searching for so so many. WHY?
I just had my three year, (kind of) anniversary with Katie. I say kind of because we were not together for like six months or so. Regardless of this silly detail, (which seemed like such a huge deal to me a couple days ago), on February 5th, 2003, Katie Day and I liked each other. We saw something in the other, that maybe filled that part of ourselves that was waiting to be ignited, maybe we had just enough millet beer to let our guard down, just long enough to actually let another person in, or maybe we were just so open from meditating and being in a new country that we could have fallen in love with anybody. Or maybe it was fate, or luck, or, as they say round these parts, "auspicious coincidence." For whatever reason, Katie and I got together, began to relate with each other, and ourselves in this new way, new yet incredibly familiar, and soon enough we loved each other.
Three years later....
Katie and I were out celebrating our Anniversary with a simple dinner. It was generally pretty fun, as it's always nice to escape the commune and go do regular people stuff. But, towards the end of the meal, after I was gettin pretty psched about things, Katie gets this look of... just being unsure, and she's terrified. Three years... two and a half years, whatever... is a LONG time to relate with someone. Unless they're your friend, or sister or mother or uncle or dog. And the feel of the night flips... holy shit, what the hell are we doing still together? I got hurt, and proceeded to drive us to the nearest bowling alley where I shared a pitcher of Coors Light with myself and got my ass kicked throwing balls down the alley. Katie was hittin strikes and I was just hitting myself, right in the crotchal region. And we fought, and Katie cried, and this continued for hours, till we went to sleep. And we've kinda been tense and fighting ever since...
Yet, we are still together. This is the first time I've been in a relationship where there's been really intense fighting and confusion and sadness, and we actually still stay together. In all of my previous relationships (excluding the ones with friends, sisters, mothers, uncles and dogs) there's a fight, then we break up. And that's that. With Katie, it's like, holy shit, we really are FIGHTING right now... hm, okay, let's work with it. Let's learn from this. Let's realize that we can't fulfill ALL of each other's needs, like creative expression, and meditation, and that kind of open attitude towards living, but we can actually wake up through all this heavy stuff.
And isn't that kinda what we do with so many of our other relationships? I mean not in the same way, but with my friends, if we disagree on something, or just have a run in of some sort it's not like, "Okay, that's it man. I'm totally breaking up with you. We're not friends anymore. Dick." No, absolutley not. There's no way I'd do that kinda thing. My friends are my friends. We may lose touch, we may get into some diagreements, but our friendship is truly never in question. And that's how it is... at least with guys. Girls might be a little different sometimes. By the way, why are you girls so fuckin' mean to each other? I think girlfriends break up with each other all the time.
I'm not trying to say that guys are better friends to each other than girls, I'm just noticing the difference in how we relate. Anyways, it's crazy, being with Katie, fighting, but somehow realizing that we have a relationship that is just as strong as the relationship I have with my friends, dogs too. What a freakin concept. This is not to say that Katie and I are going to live happily ever after and pop out fifteen babies in the next couple of years. But, I think, that no matter what happens, it'll be...
two people relating.
2 comments:
i really appreciated this blog of yours mike. when it comes to my relationship i often feel inarticulate and that i have no one to talk to about it (for a number of reasons). although i've been in a relationship with jon for half the span of your relationship, i'm in a very very similar situation. so this has been helpful for me. i think i should try to write about my relationship too. it would probably help me organize what are otherwise totally nebulous thoughts.
wow. that is really well put, brother. I too am going through a similar situation right now. it is really our first fight, but its a bad one. we don't understand one another's perspective on certain issues, like forgiveness, for example. it hurts incredibly bad to love someone so much, but not understand them. I don't know why, but it's good to hear that others are going through hard times as well. it definitely helps to write about it, as I find that this is sometimes the only way I can arrange my thoughts into organized statements. stay awesome, and i'll talk to you soon man
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