What do I want?

I want to feel comfortable sitting in a room by myself. I want to feel free and and fearless. I want to experience each moment in my life as something to enjoy and learn from. I want this pain in my chest to teach me something. I want it to go away. I want to have an adventure. I want to feel courage in all that I do. I want to feel loved from within. I want to go big. I want to hold nothing back. I want to feel what it's like to be in love again. I want to sail on the ocean. I want to learn how to surf. I want to always be surrounded by cool people. I want to take a trip across the ocean. I want to witness, without any doubt in my mind, cocreation. I want faith in ideas that I've only been flirting with. I want amazement. I want to loose my breath only to bring it back in. I want a teacher. I want a guru. I want a lover. I want to want everything and nothing. I want discipline. I want to wait tables in Pa'ia. I want to live at a Dharma center. I want to smell the ocean and eat mangoes for breakfast. I want confidence.

Okay. Let's do it.

Wings of Sushi

Life changes. And it seems that stress and anxiety are results of one's resistence to those changes. Yet to know that simply isn't enough. We must be thrown into the fire to rise out of the ashes. And the process can sometimes be painful. Unless you learn to embrace it and laugh at yourself. Because wow, my drama is the BIGGEST drama in the world and my problems are so much worse than your problems. It's this sense of isolation that I get when I focus on the things that are most difficult in life. To think that eveyone else's life is so easy and everyone else already has it all figured out. The first Noble Truth of Suffering isn't a pessimistic view of the world, it's just an honest assessment of the human condition. And real understanding of it, real experience of it actually allows for compassion for yourself, and compassion for others to arise. It opens that raw heart that is exploded when you are heartbroken, and it actually can open you up to a greater experience of life.

There's this idea, that we go through life, thinking that something will save us. If only I had that job, I would be happy, if only I had that relationship, I would be happy, if only I had a different relationship, I would be happy... yet once we finally get these things, we still are lieft with the same feeling. At least in my experience. So like, right now, I am feeling anxious not only about my separation from Katie, but also from the fact that I have to to find a job.

I want to work in a Sushi place. Don't know why. Probably because sushi is delicious, and because I am Japanese and it is built into my DNA to be magnetized toward sushi, and Sake. But honestly, I don't have any experience waiting tables or being a sushi chef. So the critic inside says, "there's no way they're going to hire you." Yet there is something else pushing its way through that says, "Dude, relax. You can do anything." Dude. And it's fucking right. I know I can.

Yet, it seems like in order for things to pop into your life, you have to be open for them to come. And this takes a mentatlity, a state of mind, a state of being, that doesn't involve that stupid critic. It's like you have to act as if those things that you want are already a part of your experience. Then, the confidence and lightness can come through easily. It's like not being attached to the outcome somehow brings immense power. Power Vs. Force.

So, to any of you that are reading this, envision my Japanese face making Japanese sushi... and loving it.

Thanks.