Isolation --------> Freedom

This is a strange feeling that I have a hard time talking about, or writing about, because it's kind of intangible. But it's a feeling that I often have, that I am completely new, that I am sorta left out of the loop of some fantastic joke that everyone around me seems to get but me. And really, it is painful, it is the peak of this feeling of separtation or separateness, the feeling of isolation, mixed with a deparate confusion, that has sorta been present since I graduated college. Have I talked about this before? But it's not always there. It's not. Because, I have also felt like I am part of one mind, one fantastic joke, that is just playing itself out, really playing, and arising, on its own, absolutely spontaneously. Which is probably why I enjoy improv comedy so much more than stand up. It's not set up to make people laugh, it's just an acknowledgment of the absurdity of the present moment. Just laughing at the mere experience of existence, and celebrating it while making fun of it at the same time. And somehow, when I am I able to experience this, I feel connected, yet it isn't until I've completely let go that this is possible. You Know?

How better to explain this to myself. What does it feel like. What does it look like. DUALITY. You and Me. This and the Other. Thoughts and Experience. Inner and Outer. Content and Context.

I feel isolated when I am totally wrapped up in me, in my personal identity, in my hopes and fears, my insecurities and my streengths, my appearance and how I appear to other(s).... Let all that go, in whichever way you know how or prefer, and huh, it all melts away into comedy, and yeah, we can have a good time. Inhibition? Hesitation? Yeah, these are the things I notice that come up when I feel that sense of other. When I can just appreciate my experience, what is going on around me and within me without latching onto a hope or fear, a desired outcome, or a feeling of comfort, then shit, I'm more comfortable. Just sorta being there and watching, yet also completely engaged.

Um, I think a better way to put this is just being yourself. We all know what that feels like. Yet, there isn't a specific situation that is more conducive for this to actually happen. It's funny, because, I find it most obvious in the extremes: In sitatations that are completely comfortable, being around old friends, people that you love, or even just a lover, a person that you feel completely safe with. I am myself, and I am almost addicited to it, because I love being in love. Who doesn't? Isn't this why we love our lovers? Isn't this what we all search for in some way? God, it's beautiful when we can finally just relax and be ourselves, and be completely and wholly loved just for that, just for existing, as ourselves, we are loved. INCREDIBLE!!! I am loved for being nothing other than me. Holy shit, the Universe is perfect. I am the luckiest person alive. Love love love love love.

And yet, I have felt this same feeling in situations when I am completely out of my element. Traveling. Traveling. Traveling. Nothing is familiar. There is no solid ground to stand on. The only person that can possibly love you is yourself. I am in a foreign country, without a good grasp of the language, and I really have no idea what's going on. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit man, what do I do? Um, I guess just wake up, make a destination, that may or may not be reached by the end of the day, and go. Take a step, and see what comes up along he way. No safety, no security, somehow leading to freedom.

And somehow, both situations bring out this sense of freedom. When you're in love, it's like, "Wow, I can just be me, and that's enough, in fact, that's everything." When you're traveling, it's like, "Wow, I have to survive." And me just comes out. Freedom.

I like both... equally. And I am eager to find all the situations in between.