What's this? (What are you waiting for?)

I sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and meet up with them later. You know? It's this kind of waiting, of waiting for SOMEthing to work out, to come along and make you feel awesome about life, one thing to save you, to bring you out of the mucky muck. And, really it's not that bad, and therein lies the freedom of of almost saying fuck it to the whole idea of persuing something that holds hidden pleasures and freedoms, because freedom lies in the here, subtlely calling you from a future, each situation urging us to finally say yes, and be done with this lesson revealed through the muck, and let it be shone through like the halos we see in Christian and Buddhist paintings, that the transfiguration, that nirvana was not really a sudden light coming out of JC or Siddartha, but instead the eyes of those being transformed, thrown open by a final surrendur... fight or flow, stop or go, yes or no? No rush, really, just.... come on!!

And I feel that I am repeating myself over and over and over again... yet my experience of life has changed, just like I knew it would, as if I am experiencing now, that future self that was trying to keep my past self alive, urging it along to still, and let the lessons come in.... identify where you are stuck, then let it go... that is what going through karma is, this is the lesson embodied in all of the lessons, the physical world as a dense manifestation of divinity, simultaneously enslaving and freeing, each obstacle really a trampoline, each leaf really just a ray from the sun, Hydrogen to Helium to a our sun, forging the chemicals that compose all life on earth, put together in a different fashion, mingling in flesh and thought and light, completely complete, in its own right, spontaneously existing by virtue of what it is, attracting and repelling and breathing. It's not meant to be a struggle... but sometimes that's exactly what's needed to let it all go.

So my intention isn't just merely to be happy, to feel content or look in spirituality for another thing to hold onto, but instead to just let it all in, yes, fuck yes, oh God yeah. My intention is to stop waiting.

I give up this striving.

Looking at my life like an Avatar of a video game. And perhaps in doing so, in freeing, in freedom without waiting for a specific outcome, one truly does become an Avatar.

And even beyond that,
My intention is to fall in love with life in every moment.


From WIE:
When Christ went to the desert after his baptism, he went to face the devil. He didn't think in his mind, "After forty days I will return." He just went there. He came out of the Jordan River, baptized by Saint John the Baptist, and went to the desert. He went to the desert. And he said to the devil,

"My friend, look, until now you were playing with the people. You started with Eve in paradise, and now you are finishing with me. I am here alone. I am not eating. I'm not drinking. And the cold in my bones in the night in the desert is terrible. I suffer. But I don't play games. I am here. Alone. And you come to me and you tell me to turn stones into bread. You tell me to prostrate to you. You? To give you the authority of my people? Go now. We have seen each other. I know who you are and you know who I am."

And in that moment the devil gave up everything.