Happy Easter

Rise.

Like the sun up at the crack of the dawn, like a wakin' giant in morning stretchin' and yawnin',

Rise.

Like an infant bein held in the light, like smoke from an incense when it's ignited.

Rise.

If you're sleepin won't you open you're eyes again. The greatest high be that natural high within.
No need in forcin the progression, just ride the wind. You will know the answer to the where, and why and when.

If you keep workin for your search you will find the end, but in the end you'll only find it begins again. See in the end, you see it only begins again, and everything you learn you're only rememberin, cuz you're... FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Yes Free.
Let your mind and your soul be free.
Work to shine meet your goals, believe.
Spread that kind of L-O-V-E.
Take some time off the lonely...

Cause all we got is rhythm and timin'.
We go beyond the edge of the sky.

Cause all we got is rhythm and timin'.
We go beyond the edge of the sky.

Cause all we got is rhythm and timin'.
We go beyond the edge of the sky.

Dreams

I dream about Katie every night. Without fail, she shows up in my dreams every single night. It's gotten tot he point where I'm just like, "Okay, gonna see Katie tonight." before I go to sleep. And it's really fuckin hard. To see her so vividly. Last night I dreamt that I was back on the mountain, and I was visiting all of my old friends, and I was really trying to avoid seeing katie, but of course she showed up. She had a crazy 80's haircut with one side totally shaved, I liked it. But it was just incredibly sad, and when I looked at her, and she really looked back at me, we just began to cry, and some part of me knew I was dreaming, because last night DMay and I crashed on Miles' floor and I was self-conscious about crying in the middle of the night with DMay in the room. I don't think I let myself cry enough, and maybe I'm not processing this stuff with Katie as much as I need to because my sub-conscious is bringing her into awareness literally every single night. This has been going on for about three weeks. And it's a bit overwhelming.

So maybe I'll start a dream journal, so that I can sorta process what my dreams are trying to tell me. And shit, maybe they aren't really trying to tell me anything. Maybe my sub-conscious is so attached to Katie, because she runs so deep in me still, that it literally has to bring her into my experience through dreams. I don't know, but dharma seems to be seeping its way into my sub-conscious too. Because while I was crying in my dream, while there was a part of me that totally knew I was dreaming, and that the whole situation that was being played out in my mind was just a fantasy, I stayed there with it, and I was saying to myself, just breathe into this moment, and don't push it away. Don't get caught up by the past, or worry about the future just be in this dream and feel it. So it's really fucking interesting, that maybe this stuff is clicking in a way that I haven't experienced before. And also, what a fuckin cool state of mind to be in that space in between the dream state and waking reality... to sorta be conscious of both happening at the same time. I can remember talking to Shane Boris about this very state in High School. It's worth mentioning.

So, jumbled this entry seems. But somehow, it just feels good and healthy to write. And to keep writing till one day, this blog won't be all about Katie.

Peace in.

Change is the only constant.

Thank baby geegos for that, huh?

I guess I just wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to deal with all my shit, my attachment, my insecurities, my laziness, my desperation, my loneliness, my neediness... My greatness. How easy it is to forget that part of yourself, even in a relationship that is loving, that is comfortable, sometimes dull, yet incredibly sweet. Even in this situation which seems so perfect, you can still forget how great you really are, or even just the fact that you are. You ARE.

So, life is happening at an incredible speed, yet the days feel long, like it feels when you are traveling. So much can happen in a day because it all feels so new and unfamiliar that you can actually notice what's going on in your life. I am living with my parents for days at a time, yet I am so groundless right now that it's hard to miss anything. My heart is broken, and open and raw, and it is like a window into everything I've been afraid to look at for a while. I think I was taking refuge in Katie Day. I really thought she could save me and take me to that place beyond all suffering.

Katie, sweet Katie. We loved so hard. We thought that for so long that all we needed in life was each other, that this one element would save us from ourselves. Yet when we finally got together, all we were left with was ourselves.... and yet..... How could we not do this? How could we not fall in love like that? How could we not take the chances that we did for each other? How could we have not had this particular adventure together? It seemed, choiceless in a lot of ways, and I do not regret a single moment of it all. It was brave, although it doesn't seem like it sometimes, it was a brave thing to do, to let ourselves love so crazily, so deeply, so foolishly even. Like Caroline said, it's really very beautiful, to have risked so much over and over. I love you. And this world is big enough for many people to love you over and over again. This world needs love like that, and it's too big to want all to myself. I love you. And I am grateful for sharing my life with you and for you sharing your life with me. It is a special thing, and I am still learning in my heart break. Somehow, finding the dream again, and slowly, patiently, living it.

To not be afraid of who you are... to not be afraid to be a fool... to be gentle towards oneself and others... to walk directly into those places that absolutely terrify. This is the walk of the warrior. And I can feel it in me.