In the Taoist tradition one is never supposed to talk about their past, speak of their age, or any of that. But, I feel like telling stories is always good. (I'm not feeling very eloquent right now b/c I have a killer headache and one of my fingers is out of commission).
Today... not right now, but earlier today, I experienced a couple of incredibly striking moments, those kind of moments that just shock you into the present, and sorta wake you up to the way things are, and the way they might be going.
Um, Katie and I are having prahlems. What else to say? What details? I just don't know if our relationship be workin out. I don't know if it's healthy anymore. I'm not sure that we are creating ground in which to grow, together.
So, back to the title of this blog. The background is a nice peaceful morning. Katie and I just moved our bed into the sunny shrine room, a little nook for our sleepy time adventures. And in the midst of this moving, she tells me to move my shit so we can move a dresser, I throw my shit out of the path of the dresser, with a definate attitude, I also throw so of her stuff, also with a definate attitude, and she gets mad. She gives me the finger, and somehow we end up playfully fighting... which actually wasn't playful at all. We were fuckin angry. She gives me a slap to the face, slap boxing stylie, and I give her a dirty broom to the mouth. Next thing we know, Katie has a half-full (half-empty?) Nalgene in her hand and it's flying in my direction, missing me, and flying into the window.
And it was there... everything was there in that moment.... A perfect image of our relationship. And somehow, it was beautiful, and relieving to get all of our frustration out of our bodies and into the physical world. Right there, in the middle of the window was a perfect hole where the bottle had hit, with cracks going out on all sides, and shards of glass littered on the bed. None of our conversations to that point had been so honest.
And it really cut through... everything. Katie and I have had to work with this relationship, as we are working with ourselves so much these days. I think, we are both happy with our personal progression, but the relationship remains a constant source of frustration. It's not like, incredibly BAD or incredibly GOOD, it's just like.... my sore fingernail....
The other moment of the day worth mentioning came after lunch. I could feel emotion building up from that broken window, it was such a potent image. And that anger and frustration that changed the window from a single piece of glass to shards and cracks began to change me too... And as I walked into my house, my mind running around with these emotions, I slammed my finger in the door. Ouch, right on the fingernail. And again, I experienced a shock of pain that forced me to be present. When that type of shit happens, you're right there with it. And pain seems to have the powerful effect of bringing you back to the moment... b/c fuck it hurts so goddam much, how could you be thinking of anything else. My fingernail will eventually fall off and a brand new one will replace it. But there will be a time when the tip of the fourth finger of my right hand will be completely naked, unprotected, that soft tissue that normally lies comfortably under the nail completely exposed. And until that event, I am left with a dull pain, not so much to incapacitate me, or make me scream, but just enough to make me notice that my body isn't fully right.
It's not clear if Katie and I will part as I will part with my nail, but it does seem like, lately, there has been this kind of dull pain. And it's exposed now, more than ever.
So it's sad, to think that being with the person you love may not be healthy anymore. But that's life, I guess. And we live it to learn about these kinds of things. I love Katie. I Always will.... deeply. But, will we stick it out? That remains to be seen.
Either way, life is showing me how to be brave, how to be honest, and be more of myself.
Pain is the word of the day. Good, pungent, dull, cutting, old-fashioned pain. And today, I am grateful for it.
4 comments:
As always your words are filled with wisdom and courage, my friend. Is is incredibly brave of you to spill your feelings out for the world to see. Great work brother. I don't know why it feels good to hear that others have relationship problems, but it is. I feel that all relationships are like a plant. At first, it is just a seed, docile and still, until you give it life. Once two people decide to give "love" a chance, the sprouts begin to grow. The plant almost always grows into a beautiful flower before we know it, as lust and passion are a powerful distracting force. However, once the flower remains for some time, it begins to look familiar and almost stagnant. We all know that plants need light and nutrients to survive and grow, just as love needs dedication and commitment to flourish. Love must be fed with energy, whether it be mental or physical for it to grow into something more than just a flower. If we want love to become a forest, in which we can stay forever comfortable, we must put into it more than we take out. Love should energize us, rather than exhaust. It's also important to think of the roots of the plant being the past. Lat's face it:in relationships we tend to hurt one another. It's just an unavoidable fact. I don't know why we do it, probably to feel powerful and important, but we do. Whenever someone is hurt, our roots are severed, and no matter how big the plant gets, if the roots are not repaired, it will fall. It is a delicate balance that we must find, my friend, between the directions that we put forth our energy. The forest of love needs as much as we can give. the roots are a good place to start, as forgiveness is key to any serious relationship. I hope this helps, Mike. I am no guru on relationships, obviously, but I have seen very deep pain as well as incredible heights of joy, and the most important thing that i have realized is that love needs love to survive.
If this post was non-eloquence you should practice that more. wow. that was amazingly illuminating and open and it was beautifully composed. there is beauty in pain and you achieved it through the story itself and the telling of the story. I would wish you well, but you seem to be it already. good luck though, whatever comes will be hard nonetheless.
mike and ben. you guys are sweet. I'm glad to know you both. be well.
Ben, you are a king among men. I am humbled to be a true friend.
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