So, I have changed the address of this blog to mikaelhirokachov.blogspot.com. The reason being that I know that Katie had access to the last address, and I feel like I might be holding myself back, or other the other extreme saying some things that I hope she would read, so that was having an influence on things a bit. This is for me.
So I've had three violent dreams about Katie now. They have grown progessively more violent over the past couple of weeks. And last nights was by far the most intense.
"I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. I fucking hate you."
Mixed with acts of physical aggression and violence that I didn't think I was even capable of. Yeah it's just a dream or whatever you want to say, but the dreams have been so vivid. And I apparently have a lot more anger towards Katie then I thought. And it's mixed with jealousy, because the violence has ensued in my dreams ater she starts telling me about other guys she's been fucking. Jake, Ryan. Jake... shit that's gotta be my own mind. Such a frat boy name.
I don't really know how to process my anger. Truly. It gets bottled up, and turns into resentment. THis was going on when Katie and I were still together too, and it happened all the time in high school when I got upset by my parents. I don't really have a good outlet. And my last blog talked about how the only way I could free myslef of this anger is with realizing that I don't have to stop loving Katie. Yet... well... this doesn't work all the time.
The fact is... I miss my life at Shambhala. It was the first job that I ever loved, and I was surrounded be people I could talk to, and really just open up with. Something that I value incredibly. These days, I don't really like my job... I am frantic all the time at it, and it's RARE that I actually have a good conversation with people. Maybe once every couple of weeks, and it's usually with Boomer. Which is good, but it's just that, shit I ENVY Katie's life, and I feel like she took it away from me.
Yet I forget that I CHOSE to leave. She wanted both of us to stay. Yet, while I did choose to leave, it felt choiceless at the time. And obviously still does. She was into my best friend. She had already moved on to taking interest in others. And I couldn't stand to see that in my face every day. And it's obvious that she's been with other guys this summer. EVERYONE hooks up over the summer up there. It's like Summer camp. And she's probably meeting some really fuckin cool people. And I am as isolated as ever. Working a lot, and truly going for days without a real human connection... something I had ALL the time up there. Every day.
So I feel like a fuckin victim. Isolated, looking to the past, wondering about the future (trying to make something happen) and not enjoying the present. And that's no way to live.
Yet, there's gotta be something for me in this experience. I think we can all look back in our lives and see how seemlessly one event unfolded and it led you to another and another and it all seems pretty synchronistic. Yet, I haven't felt that kind of synchronicity and magic, really, since I graduated college. It's been more yearning and worry and confusion than anything else.
I just don't know what that something is yet...
Like, I can come up with different optomistic points of view, like it's a really good time to get to know myself again, it's a good time to explore and be in the world, in society, in the city, it's a good time to hook up with lots of different girls, it's a good time to enjoy life, (well it's always a good time to enjoy life), or maybe it's a good time to go within, regardless of external circumstances, it's a good time to find strength, it's a good time to take a leap of faith, it's a good time to face your fears, it's a good time to experiment with life, it's a good time to practice nonattachment, it's a good time to cheer yourself up, it's a good time to just have a good time.............
then what's wrong?
I am still basing my happiness almost completely on external circumstances.
And I don't really like what I see.
So what's next?
Focus on the present moment? On just being alive? Human? Breathing, changing, living....
Realize how the world comes from the inside out?
Understand happiness/suffering based solely on the rhythms and thoughts of my mind and not external situations? Not on the past, not on the future but moment by moment?
At this point... fuck man. I give up. I have NO idea what the future holds for me. I admit that I am still a bit confused on what it is I am to do. But, can I enjoy it? Can I just enjoy life and let it teach me some things without so much resistence to the present circumstances? Am I happy? no, not really. Do I have happy moments? Yes, of course.
This is what's hard. I get more and more into the past and the future when I am not enjoying the present. And EVERY time I go to work, this happens. And EVERY time I feel lonely and want to talk to somebody, this happens. And EVERY time I want to talk to someone about meditation, this happens. And EVERY time I think about Shambhala, this happens.
FUCK.
So heavy. Feel like a weak-ass Atlas. I don't think that guy ever laughed.
Because shit, the struggle is pretty funny and beautiful.
I'm just tired. So fuckin tired of trying to control and will my life into satisfaction.
Forgiveness is for oneself.
How do I free this dragon?
fear=separation=ego --> missing a whole lot. missing the mark.
Movin your spirit is like walkin through an X.
Anything is possible.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
More
I lost my most recent journal. So when I'm at a computer, I feel like I have to write. And continue writing for myself, and just keep being unafraid to show it to whoever would like to read it. Glen reminded me of that when I first started.
The last entry was a copy of an email I sent to Paul. He's called a couple of times since I left, but I never returned his calls. I am just now learning how to relate with this pain in a good way, and let it transform me.
My cousin Lindsay just broke up with her boyfriend of almost four years. It takes real courage. She just knew in her gut that it wasn't right. They were supposed to move in together, and she just couldn't pack her all of her stuff up, something was holding her back. So she trusted herself and broke off something that she knew had to end. She said she lost herself, and she seemed really happy about her decision.
Yeah, it's only been a week and it might hit her differently at some point, or, it might not. Maybe that's the result when you really trust yourself, and you make decisions from there.
In the midst of my gried, and my victim mentality, I forgot that feeling that I knew that something wasn't right either. That I lost myself too. And that when Katie and I intitially broke up, it was kinda beautiful. I do believe, one day, we will be good friends. It's hard to lose your best friend, and it really just forces you to start working from the inside out.
I think I've searched for love in the form of a female relationship for so long, hoping that it would fill this hole, or rid me of this anxiety. Eventually, I always find someone, or someone finds me, but it's never when I am searching, or trying to fill a hole. It's when I embody that which I am desiring. And really, that love that you feel for another, from another, is always available all the time. And it's crazy because I KNOW this, I know this through direct experience, but I completely forgot. I forgot what it felt like. I forgot what it's like to surrendur like that. I forgot what it feels like to be totally comfortable sitting by yourself with no distractions, I forgot what it feels like to be in love with life, and grateful for whatever life brings be it painful or joyous, I forgot what it was like to engage in a text, not just read it, I forgot what it was like to be totally comfortable with no ground to stand on, I forgot that you can actually learn from life, I forgot that no matter what kind of nightmares you have, you can genuinely wish the best for another.
I've been reading this book that talks about karma, and karmic connections. It talks about essesntially, we have these karmic connections with other individuals in our life, and we have been playing out the same drama with each other for eons, and because of this, it's so easy to fall into the roles of those dramas because they are so familiar. Yet, it's these very dramas that are the key to transcendence, because they reveal the themes in your life that keep repeating themselves, and often times, they are so painful, that the individual is forced to either learn from the drama and transcend it, or repeat it over and over and over. Essentially it says that when we can genuinely wish well-being for that person that has caused you the most pain, that that sense of separation dissolves into the "oneness" that is all of this. Seein the God, Godliness in this situation, in this person.
And honestly, it's not that hard. It's the only practice that eases the pain and anger I have. And it's no different than it's always been with Katie. It was always so obvious (I think) when I was loving with nonattachment, or, without conditions, and when I was loving from a standpoint/viewpoint of possession, fear, victim consciousness. I fell in love with Katie, and she with me, in this true type of love, that universal love, that does not claim as one's own, but frees and wishes the best for. When I told Katie she could run away, I meant it. And in remembering what that felt like, I can still love her today, right now, even though I haven't spoken to her in months.
I have had a couple of really intense and vivid dreams that have seemed to really push me to face this. Katie has appeared, telling me about another guy in her life. With details of their sex life, of what he looks like, showing me love letters that she's sent with him.... Aquarius, black hair, artist, young, from the east, at least east of here.... anyways, those details don't really matter, and chances are they could be completely conjured by my imagination. But it still affected me as if she had actually told me that stuff. The brain can't tell the difference between memories from the waking state and the memories of a dream. And I have been dreaming a lot lately. I can still feel the sting on my hand....
Yet, these dreams have really forced me to face this. Not to just distract myself, because there are things here that are real beauty, that are actually .... well just enlightening. I'm learning about the cosmos again, and when I sat in my Grandpa's chair, and I realized that I could still love Katie, and that in fact was the only way out of my anger, and to love her and love myself like God is, something opened up in me, like a dam had been destroyed. And I could see some sychronicity, and for the first time in a very long time... I was grateful.
Yeah, there's a lot of things I'm still not clear about. Things that could be better, but right now, I am in a good spot. And the more I feel, and the more time I allow for myself, the more I learn to work with my emotions, the better the world looks. Regardless of circumstance.
Things are getting better, and I have no doubt in my mind, that soon, I will be journeying again. Physically, that is.
"See you're a warrior fighting for your soul. Taken from the world above and brought to this world below.
Desceded to this pit, what's that feeling can't get rid of it, I'm so sick I can't seem to shake it. When one retires at night weeping, JOY will come in the morning, you made my mountains stay strong.
See like an ancient memory, remember how it used to be, close your eyes and breathe in the sense of freedom. Ringing accross the sea, land of milk and honey, one day we'll wake up from this dream and we'll stop sleeeping. Then we'lll see clearly.
See you're a warrior fighting for your soul. Taken from the world above and brought to this world below."--Matisyahu
The last entry was a copy of an email I sent to Paul. He's called a couple of times since I left, but I never returned his calls. I am just now learning how to relate with this pain in a good way, and let it transform me.
My cousin Lindsay just broke up with her boyfriend of almost four years. It takes real courage. She just knew in her gut that it wasn't right. They were supposed to move in together, and she just couldn't pack her all of her stuff up, something was holding her back. So she trusted herself and broke off something that she knew had to end. She said she lost herself, and she seemed really happy about her decision.
Yeah, it's only been a week and it might hit her differently at some point, or, it might not. Maybe that's the result when you really trust yourself, and you make decisions from there.
In the midst of my gried, and my victim mentality, I forgot that feeling that I knew that something wasn't right either. That I lost myself too. And that when Katie and I intitially broke up, it was kinda beautiful. I do believe, one day, we will be good friends. It's hard to lose your best friend, and it really just forces you to start working from the inside out.
I think I've searched for love in the form of a female relationship for so long, hoping that it would fill this hole, or rid me of this anxiety. Eventually, I always find someone, or someone finds me, but it's never when I am searching, or trying to fill a hole. It's when I embody that which I am desiring. And really, that love that you feel for another, from another, is always available all the time. And it's crazy because I KNOW this, I know this through direct experience, but I completely forgot. I forgot what it felt like. I forgot what it's like to surrendur like that. I forgot what it feels like to be totally comfortable sitting by yourself with no distractions, I forgot what it feels like to be in love with life, and grateful for whatever life brings be it painful or joyous, I forgot what it was like to engage in a text, not just read it, I forgot what it was like to be totally comfortable with no ground to stand on, I forgot that you can actually learn from life, I forgot that no matter what kind of nightmares you have, you can genuinely wish the best for another.
I've been reading this book that talks about karma, and karmic connections. It talks about essesntially, we have these karmic connections with other individuals in our life, and we have been playing out the same drama with each other for eons, and because of this, it's so easy to fall into the roles of those dramas because they are so familiar. Yet, it's these very dramas that are the key to transcendence, because they reveal the themes in your life that keep repeating themselves, and often times, they are so painful, that the individual is forced to either learn from the drama and transcend it, or repeat it over and over and over. Essentially it says that when we can genuinely wish well-being for that person that has caused you the most pain, that that sense of separation dissolves into the "oneness" that is all of this. Seein the God, Godliness in this situation, in this person.
And honestly, it's not that hard. It's the only practice that eases the pain and anger I have. And it's no different than it's always been with Katie. It was always so obvious (I think) when I was loving with nonattachment, or, without conditions, and when I was loving from a standpoint/viewpoint of possession, fear, victim consciousness. I fell in love with Katie, and she with me, in this true type of love, that universal love, that does not claim as one's own, but frees and wishes the best for. When I told Katie she could run away, I meant it. And in remembering what that felt like, I can still love her today, right now, even though I haven't spoken to her in months.
I have had a couple of really intense and vivid dreams that have seemed to really push me to face this. Katie has appeared, telling me about another guy in her life. With details of their sex life, of what he looks like, showing me love letters that she's sent with him.... Aquarius, black hair, artist, young, from the east, at least east of here.... anyways, those details don't really matter, and chances are they could be completely conjured by my imagination. But it still affected me as if she had actually told me that stuff. The brain can't tell the difference between memories from the waking state and the memories of a dream. And I have been dreaming a lot lately. I can still feel the sting on my hand....
Yet, these dreams have really forced me to face this. Not to just distract myself, because there are things here that are real beauty, that are actually .... well just enlightening. I'm learning about the cosmos again, and when I sat in my Grandpa's chair, and I realized that I could still love Katie, and that in fact was the only way out of my anger, and to love her and love myself like God is, something opened up in me, like a dam had been destroyed. And I could see some sychronicity, and for the first time in a very long time... I was grateful.
Yeah, there's a lot of things I'm still not clear about. Things that could be better, but right now, I am in a good spot. And the more I feel, and the more time I allow for myself, the more I learn to work with my emotions, the better the world looks. Regardless of circumstance.
Things are getting better, and I have no doubt in my mind, that soon, I will be journeying again. Physically, that is.
"See you're a warrior fighting for your soul. Taken from the world above and brought to this world below.
Desceded to this pit, what's that feeling can't get rid of it, I'm so sick I can't seem to shake it. When one retires at night weeping, JOY will come in the morning, you made my mountains stay strong.
See like an ancient memory, remember how it used to be, close your eyes and breathe in the sense of freedom. Ringing accross the sea, land of milk and honey, one day we'll wake up from this dream and we'll stop sleeeping. Then we'lll see clearly.
See you're a warrior fighting for your soul. Taken from the world above and brought to this world below."--Matisyahu
Up up up up up.... AND
DOWN down down down down....
And in the end, it's only round and round.... round and round...
Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo . yo yo. yo.
Healing takes some time, and to tell you the truth, for a while I couldn't really deal with, or want to look at anything that reminded me of Katie. It's funny, man, I've had to almost redefine my spirituality, or rather, let it rise from the ashes, as so much of my relationship with Buddhism is so intertwined with Katie. When we were in India, she sat right in front of me in the shrine room. We fell in love in the context of this awakening, so it's funny, that I have to sort of reclaim it for myself, make it my own again.
So I sit in front of a mirror.
And I remember what that sensation feels like.. real revelation, true grace, mesmerized by synchronicity, tashi tendril.
And I remember what it was like when Katie and I first met. I told her once, when were becoming more and more familiar with each other, "It's okay, you can run away." True non attachment to outcome. Real unconditional love. And this relationship has, and continues to bring me to this state of understanding, through direct experience, of seeing the universe as open, as unending, as friendly, or seeing it instead as hostile, abandoning, and scary.
I've been trying to cover my pain with anger, and while it's given me more energy, it is ultimately futile. Yet, it is powerful. And you can't battle it with force. So, at some point I just surrender, and remember that I love Katie, and I don't have to stop loving her, in fact, the only way out of this crippling anger, is with this sense of open, unconditional love, unattached to outcome, fueled by the very love that created the Universe. One in the same.
Don't really like my job, miss many things about SMC, Living with my grandparents, meeting some new city folk, getting my confidence back, drinking and doing silly stuff, making out with the occasional twentysomething, working some more, working with my crazy mind, and really getting glimpses of a reality I truly lost touch with.... but I am relating to life in a way that was so far away that I completely forgot what it felt like. Beauty man, real beauty, no matter what the circumstances may be. Isn't that what it's all about? Still figuring that out, I guess, but it feels good, somehow.
Also have been introduced to TONS of new music. Love you technology.
"Up up up up up up up and Down down down down down down, and in the end, it's only round and round, and round and round." The dance of Shiva, the observer, life.
So life is happening. As it always has, and always will.
Mountains turning into circles. and back into mountains.
And in the end, it's only round and round.... round and round...
Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo . yo yo. yo.
Healing takes some time, and to tell you the truth, for a while I couldn't really deal with, or want to look at anything that reminded me of Katie. It's funny, man, I've had to almost redefine my spirituality, or rather, let it rise from the ashes, as so much of my relationship with Buddhism is so intertwined with Katie. When we were in India, she sat right in front of me in the shrine room. We fell in love in the context of this awakening, so it's funny, that I have to sort of reclaim it for myself, make it my own again.
So I sit in front of a mirror.
And I remember what that sensation feels like.. real revelation, true grace, mesmerized by synchronicity, tashi tendril.
And I remember what it was like when Katie and I first met. I told her once, when were becoming more and more familiar with each other, "It's okay, you can run away." True non attachment to outcome. Real unconditional love. And this relationship has, and continues to bring me to this state of understanding, through direct experience, of seeing the universe as open, as unending, as friendly, or seeing it instead as hostile, abandoning, and scary.
I've been trying to cover my pain with anger, and while it's given me more energy, it is ultimately futile. Yet, it is powerful. And you can't battle it with force. So, at some point I just surrender, and remember that I love Katie, and I don't have to stop loving her, in fact, the only way out of this crippling anger, is with this sense of open, unconditional love, unattached to outcome, fueled by the very love that created the Universe. One in the same.
Don't really like my job, miss many things about SMC, Living with my grandparents, meeting some new city folk, getting my confidence back, drinking and doing silly stuff, making out with the occasional twentysomething, working some more, working with my crazy mind, and really getting glimpses of a reality I truly lost touch with.... but I am relating to life in a way that was so far away that I completely forgot what it felt like. Beauty man, real beauty, no matter what the circumstances may be. Isn't that what it's all about? Still figuring that out, I guess, but it feels good, somehow.
Also have been introduced to TONS of new music. Love you technology.
"Up up up up up up up and Down down down down down down, and in the end, it's only round and round, and round and round." The dance of Shiva, the observer, life.
So life is happening. As it always has, and always will.
Mountains turning into circles. and back into mountains.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
WD-40
Yeah, it happened.
But why? Simple physics I guess. But shit, it sure would have been good. Healing even. Oh well. Could turn into something more regular and casual. We shall see.
Cheer yourself up.
Even when dreams be fucked up. Way too telling.
Face it.
And forgive.
The best sex of your life? An artist? Dark hair? 19? Ryan? Why did I have to know that shit?
Well, I just don't know.
Eyes forward. Lift it up and hold it to the light. Hidden from nothing. I can tell this is going to be good.
It's just the day-to-day living.... Shit, I don't want to go to work today. Fuck. But, shit man, life is good. Newness. Madness. Absolute openness to every situation. And laughter for the sake of itself. That's what heals.
Spontaneous affection. No wins, no losses, no strategies, no revenge. Just true open, unafraid, spontaneous, affection.
Life is pretty crazy.
I have so much more to learn here.
But why? Simple physics I guess. But shit, it sure would have been good. Healing even. Oh well. Could turn into something more regular and casual. We shall see.
Cheer yourself up.
Even when dreams be fucked up. Way too telling.
Face it.
And forgive.
The best sex of your life? An artist? Dark hair? 19? Ryan? Why did I have to know that shit?
Well, I just don't know.
Eyes forward. Lift it up and hold it to the light. Hidden from nothing. I can tell this is going to be good.
It's just the day-to-day living.... Shit, I don't want to go to work today. Fuck. But, shit man, life is good. Newness. Madness. Absolute openness to every situation. And laughter for the sake of itself. That's what heals.
Spontaneous affection. No wins, no losses, no strategies, no revenge. Just true open, unafraid, spontaneous, affection.
Life is pretty crazy.
I have so much more to learn here.
A Fairytale
While I stood and shook I prayed for the knowledge to come and fill that part of my head that knew and understood nothing of this world.
I left my home and family to find and entered the woods. I walked deeper and deeper into the world of trees that reached the sky and damp earth that smelled of life, into a world I had always been warned not to enter. The day I left my home, I could sense the adventure that lay ahead. Armed with nothing but courage in my chest and good sense on my shoulders, I let my feet lead me into the great unknown.
The woman in dragon scales glided up the mountain and vanished in the mists. The needle bade me to follow her snow white hairs that glistened like silver strands of dew.
The man who killed my father stood on the open ground with an army of people waiting to rise from the earth. He brandished a blade in his hand and struck it towards the sun.
With each step I took, the people of soil tried to clench my feet harder and began to pull me down.
"And who are you boy?" Mother asked me. Her weak eyes did not recognize my much-changed face and form. I told her I was her son but she did not believe me. "If you are the son that left so many days ago, and if you are the one who brought back this jade figure of father, then you are the one who will be able to restore him to his normal shape." She flicked her wrist and flung the jade piece at me.
Without hesitance I lifted my pant legs began to dance in father's leather bottomed shoes. The soles breezed across the floor, cutting the mist with rhythmic motions. I then turned the ring on my finger and watched my father rise, soil shedding from his skin. His shaved face and clean hands stood against the paling crowd. This impressed the people who stood before me, as did the fact that my tongue did not bleed from the needle it held.
"My son!" Mother cried out to me.
I left my home and family to find and entered the woods. I walked deeper and deeper into the world of trees that reached the sky and damp earth that smelled of life, into a world I had always been warned not to enter. The day I left my home, I could sense the adventure that lay ahead. Armed with nothing but courage in my chest and good sense on my shoulders, I let my feet lead me into the great unknown.
The woman in dragon scales glided up the mountain and vanished in the mists. The needle bade me to follow her snow white hairs that glistened like silver strands of dew.
The man who killed my father stood on the open ground with an army of people waiting to rise from the earth. He brandished a blade in his hand and struck it towards the sun.
With each step I took, the people of soil tried to clench my feet harder and began to pull me down.
"And who are you boy?" Mother asked me. Her weak eyes did not recognize my much-changed face and form. I told her I was her son but she did not believe me. "If you are the son that left so many days ago, and if you are the one who brought back this jade figure of father, then you are the one who will be able to restore him to his normal shape." She flicked her wrist and flung the jade piece at me.
Without hesitance I lifted my pant legs began to dance in father's leather bottomed shoes. The soles breezed across the floor, cutting the mist with rhythmic motions. I then turned the ring on my finger and watched my father rise, soil shedding from his skin. His shaved face and clean hands stood against the paling crowd. This impressed the people who stood before me, as did the fact that my tongue did not bleed from the needle it held.
"My son!" Mother cried out to me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)