Up up up up up.... AND

DOWN down down down down....

And in the end, it's only round and round.... round and round...




Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo . yo yo. yo.

Healing takes some time, and to tell you the truth, for a while I couldn't really deal with, or want to look at anything that reminded me of Katie. It's funny, man, I've had to almost redefine my spirituality, or rather, let it rise from the ashes, as so much of my relationship with Buddhism is so intertwined with Katie. When we were in India, she sat right in front of me in the shrine room. We fell in love in the context of this awakening, so it's funny, that I have to sort of reclaim it for myself, make it my own again.

So I sit in front of a mirror.

And I remember what that sensation feels like.. real revelation, true grace, mesmerized by synchronicity, tashi tendril.

And I remember what it was like when Katie and I first met. I told her once, when were becoming more and more familiar with each other, "It's okay, you can run away." True non attachment to outcome. Real unconditional love. And this relationship has, and continues to bring me to this state of understanding, through direct experience, of seeing the universe as open, as unending, as friendly, or seeing it instead as hostile, abandoning, and scary.

I've been trying to cover my pain with anger, and while it's given me more energy, it is ultimately futile. Yet, it is powerful. And you can't battle it with force. So, at some point I just surrender, and remember that I love Katie, and I don't have to stop loving her, in fact, the only way out of this crippling anger, is with this sense of open, unconditional love, unattached to outcome, fueled by the very love that created the Universe. One in the same.

Don't really like my job, miss many things about SMC, Living with my grandparents, meeting some new city folk, getting my confidence back, drinking and doing silly stuff, making out with the occasional twentysomething, working some more, working with my crazy mind, and really getting glimpses of a reality I truly lost touch with.... but I am relating to life in a way that was so far away that I completely forgot what it felt like. Beauty man, real beauty, no matter what the circumstances may be. Isn't that what it's all about? Still figuring that out, I guess, but it feels good, somehow.

Also have been introduced to TONS of new music. Love you technology.

"Up up up up up up up and Down down down down down down, and in the end, it's only round and round, and round and round." The dance of Shiva, the observer, life.

So life is happening. As it always has, and always will.

Mountains turning into circles. and back into mountains.