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I lost my most recent journal. So when I'm at a computer, I feel like I have to write. And continue writing for myself, and just keep being unafraid to show it to whoever would like to read it. Glen reminded me of that when I first started.

The last entry was a copy of an email I sent to Paul. He's called a couple of times since I left, but I never returned his calls. I am just now learning how to relate with this pain in a good way, and let it transform me.

My cousin Lindsay just broke up with her boyfriend of almost four years. It takes real courage. She just knew in her gut that it wasn't right. They were supposed to move in together, and she just couldn't pack her all of her stuff up, something was holding her back. So she trusted herself and broke off something that she knew had to end. She said she lost herself, and she seemed really happy about her decision.

Yeah, it's only been a week and it might hit her differently at some point, or, it might not. Maybe that's the result when you really trust yourself, and you make decisions from there.

In the midst of my gried, and my victim mentality, I forgot that feeling that I knew that something wasn't right either. That I lost myself too. And that when Katie and I intitially broke up, it was kinda beautiful. I do believe, one day, we will be good friends. It's hard to lose your best friend, and it really just forces you to start working from the inside out.

I think I've searched for love in the form of a female relationship for so long, hoping that it would fill this hole, or rid me of this anxiety. Eventually, I always find someone, or someone finds me, but it's never when I am searching, or trying to fill a hole. It's when I embody that which I am desiring. And really, that love that you feel for another, from another, is always available all the time. And it's crazy because I KNOW this, I know this through direct experience, but I completely forgot. I forgot what it felt like. I forgot what it's like to surrendur like that. I forgot what it feels like to be totally comfortable sitting by yourself with no distractions, I forgot what it feels like to be in love with life, and grateful for whatever life brings be it painful or joyous, I forgot what it was like to engage in a text, not just read it, I forgot what it was like to be totally comfortable with no ground to stand on, I forgot that you can actually learn from life, I forgot that no matter what kind of nightmares you have, you can genuinely wish the best for another.

I've been reading this book that talks about karma, and karmic connections. It talks about essesntially, we have these karmic connections with other individuals in our life, and we have been playing out the same drama with each other for eons, and because of this, it's so easy to fall into the roles of those dramas because they are so familiar. Yet, it's these very dramas that are the key to transcendence, because they reveal the themes in your life that keep repeating themselves, and often times, they are so painful, that the individual is forced to either learn from the drama and transcend it, or repeat it over and over and over. Essentially it says that when we can genuinely wish well-being for that person that has caused you the most pain, that that sense of separation dissolves into the "oneness" that is all of this. Seein the God, Godliness in this situation, in this person.

And honestly, it's not that hard. It's the only practice that eases the pain and anger I have. And it's no different than it's always been with Katie. It was always so obvious (I think) when I was loving with nonattachment, or, without conditions, and when I was loving from a standpoint/viewpoint of possession, fear, victim consciousness. I fell in love with Katie, and she with me, in this true type of love, that universal love, that does not claim as one's own, but frees and wishes the best for. When I told Katie she could run away, I meant it. And in remembering what that felt like, I can still love her today, right now, even though I haven't spoken to her in months.

I have had a couple of really intense and vivid dreams that have seemed to really push me to face this. Katie has appeared, telling me about another guy in her life. With details of their sex life, of what he looks like, showing me love letters that she's sent with him.... Aquarius, black hair, artist, young, from the east, at least east of here.... anyways, those details don't really matter, and chances are they could be completely conjured by my imagination. But it still affected me as if she had actually told me that stuff. The brain can't tell the difference between memories from the waking state and the memories of a dream. And I have been dreaming a lot lately. I can still feel the sting on my hand....

Yet, these dreams have really forced me to face this. Not to just distract myself, because there are things here that are real beauty, that are actually .... well just enlightening. I'm learning about the cosmos again, and when I sat in my Grandpa's chair, and I realized that I could still love Katie, and that in fact was the only way out of my anger, and to love her and love myself like God is, something opened up in me, like a dam had been destroyed. And I could see some sychronicity, and for the first time in a very long time... I was grateful.

Yeah, there's a lot of things I'm still not clear about. Things that could be better, but right now, I am in a good spot. And the more I feel, and the more time I allow for myself, the more I learn to work with my emotions, the better the world looks. Regardless of circumstance.

Things are getting better, and I have no doubt in my mind, that soon, I will be journeying again. Physically, that is.

"See you're a warrior fighting for your soul. Taken from the world above and brought to this world below.
Desceded to this pit, what's that feeling can't get rid of it, I'm so sick I can't seem to shake it. When one retires at night weeping, JOY will come in the morning, you made my mountains stay strong.
See like an ancient memory, remember how it used to be, close your eyes and breathe in the sense of freedom. Ringing accross the sea, land of milk and honey, one day we'll wake up from this dream and we'll stop sleeeping. Then we'lll see clearly.
See you're a warrior fighting for your soul. Taken from the world above and brought to this world below."--Matisyahu