Even though I haven't written in a long time, I've had a lot going on. And one of the reasons I started this blog, was to write no matter what. Whether my life was exciting, happy, painful, or just plain boring, this practice of writing and creating something, or just recording and processing, is somehow useful, and interesting.
To feel pain and not run away. To accept whatever's happening, just accept it, and keep coming back to the reality of how things are, to the reality of the current situation, to the feelings and sensations in my body. To know the difference between feeling a sensation and letting your thoughts run away with it, interpreting it, creating stories, fantasies, nightmares, and instead just feeling it, feel that sensation in your body, and when thoughts come, when tears come, stay with it, and see if it kills you, or see if it just flares up and burns out like a match.
So, Katie moved out. She's pretty much gone. The house feels, well a bit odd, things are missing on the walls, on the shelves, in the closet. There's all of this negative space in the house where Katie and her stuff used to be, like a constant reminder of that void I feel in myself, but also, reminding me of the reality of the situation. I am finding that when I struggle with it, when I wish things were different, when I begin to wish that Katie was still here, lying in bed with me, it makes existence incredibly hard, and I feel like I really am going to die. Yet, in feeling the same pain, that is created from the same situation, the same house, the same empty space on the walls, the same coldness in bed, and actually accepting the situation, I can live. I can actually live well, and slowly, somehow ease the struggle.
I am incredibly sad. I feel tightness in my chest. The house needs work, now. I am now living by myself. I am single again. I haven't kissed another girl in over three years. I feel insecure about attracting other women. There is mystery all around. Can I accept this? Can I accept all of this? ????................................
Well, yeah, I can. If I look at my life with open eyes, that's what I see, this is what I'm feeling. And while it hurts, I don't actually have to suffer. Crazy. There is so much space now, that I don't know how to feel it. Yet, when I think about the dunes, or think about traveling through India, or think about just living here, all there is is open space, and you can either freak out and try to gain some reference points, or you can just fuckin let go, and feel what it feels like to be engulfed in a mystery.
It's a practice, however. It takes a certain amount of discipline. Because no matter what, I'm going to run into Katie EVERYDAY. I'm going to be living in the house that we shared, EVERYDAY. And I am no doubt going to feel pain and sadness, and probably a slew of other painful emotions for a while, and the initial knee-jerk reaction is to go a bit crazy and struggle struggle struggle. So, it takes a little bit of effort, well probably a whole lot of effort at first, to feel this pain, to accept this situation, and still live live live, and somehow, still be grateful for this life. Just feel it, and let it teach you something. Just feel it, and see if it really kills you. Just feel it, and keep coming back to the sensation itself. See it arise and fall.... unpredicatable as the weather. We can really adapt.
I think the hardest part is accepting that I have to break down this emotional connection I have with Katie so we can eventually be friends. So that means, I really can't rely on her for the type of connection that we shared before. I have to regain that sense of independence. Bring out that sense of actually wanting to be separate. This could be fun.
So, I want to keep writing, because this felt really fuckin good.
I love you, Mike. I love you, too.
Peace.
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