While my last post felt incredibly optomistic, or well, just like the situation might be workable, I am still having to feel these painful emotions pretty much all day, every day. I am no doubt incredibly attached to the presence of Katie, and I can honestly admit that I have become attached to her. After three years, this seems pretty reasonable. And it is pointing to the fact that I was using her somehow to fulfill a part of myself that I normally have repressed. I am attracted to those type of people that have a sense of independence about relating with the world and with their lives, those individuals that value their time alone in such a way that their very identity relies upon creating this space for themself. Artists, it seems, value this like its their food. When I think about how I was raised, it begins to make sense... that I value connection more than space, that I am worried that if I don't have connection, I won't feel loved. When I am close to my family, I have been loved. In those periods of time when I felt like I needed to create space, to be out on my own, I have been punished. Without sounding too much like a victim, I am just trying to acknowledge those vulnerabilities that are at my core, those things that I will probably be dealing with for the rest of my life until I die. And the crazy deal about the whole situation is that I'm not really trying to improve myself, or get rid of these vunerabilities, because they are so deep that they have become a part of my subconscious, and will probably be triggered by various people and situations for the rest of my life. The trick is how I relate to them, how I choose to interact with these incredibly painful emotions and feelings that arise when my vulnerabilities are triggered. I can either repress them, act out on them, or watch them, feel them and really just be there with it... I realize that there are some very dark parts of me that arise when I feel these vulnerabilities get triggered. Fundamentally, I am incredibly scared to not have this type of connection. And so, when this happens I react with either deep sadness or depression, or furious anger and resentment towards the person who is triggering all this painful stuff. It's really like I feel like I am going to die, so there is a part of me that is acting out of survival mode to keep its existence. And this is the closest experience I have of my ego, of that sense of self that needs these very dramas to survive. And so when it is threatened, it becomes more extreme in its intensity, and from this I can totally understand how lovers have killed each other. To feel this type of annihilation, there's a part of me that wants to annihilate whatever is the cause of its own death. And it's true, a part of me has to die, if I am going to go through this, and actually learn from it, and ultimately become more awake. Eckhart Tolle says that the ego only exists in time, and it's so interesting because I find myself constantly worrying about the future and dwelling on the past, when I feel this pain... I think about this summer, and all of the sexual energy that comes with the summer staff, and just thinking about Katie hanging out with, making out with, fucking some other dude, and it creates so much anger, so much resentment, and so much sadness that I feel that I am going to die. Then I think about how, just a few days ago, she was sleeping in my bed on a cold night, and her warmth kept me alive in our cold house. And it's suffering, it's absolute suffering.
And I know that dwelling in these fantasies is suffering. And it's crazy because we all have the experience about thinking about the future and dwelling on the past, but most times, these experiences don't affect me the way they are right now. And really, the only experiences of not suffering these days are when I am taking each experience and just being with that. LOTS of sitting is definately in order. Because it's a practice to be that present, to keep coming back to the present moment,, and yet the more this happens, the more my ego-structure pulls out all these tricks to survive.
At least I have a view of how it could be. I can imagine being able to accept, over and over the realness and reality of my present situation, and actually loving Katie in a way where I don't have to protect myself. I think one of my only experiences of actually doing this has been with my sister, and a few of my close friends. It doesn't matter how my sister acts, what type of life she leads, even if she can't always experess her love toward me, or even always being there for me. I love her, and will continue to love her no matter what, and really I just want her to be happy, however that looks like for her. Why can't I do this with Katie? She needs space, this is what she values and cherishes. She might even need some other guy to create happiness and openness in her life. Why can't I just wish the best for her, no matter what, even if she isn't showing this same love towards me?
I'm being honest when I say that I can't really do that yet. But, somehow, when I aspire to just love her, without conditions, when I choose to focus on how much I really care about this person, some space arises in the situation and in my heart.
I woke up this morning to a clear blue sky, sun shining, warmth on my back. Within an hour heavy winds brought in a snow storm, and now it's cold and snowing. And I look at my window, and the snow is dripping off the roof, melting already into the ground. I can already see the edge of the storm, blue sky on the horizon. How quickly the weather changes up here.
Life is in motion. Born out of motion, sustained through motion, ended by motion.
These feelings have their own life. They arise, burn and burn, but they fall away. And arise, and burn and fall away... and arise and BURN and yeah, fall away. It's just that I on't notice this process. It looks as if it's all just one never-ending BURN right now. But it's not.
I feel.... pain. It comes out as loneliness, depression, anger, resentment. But, it's all the same sensation. pain. Drive all blames into one.
Ah, life. ah, life.
No comments:
Post a Comment