This is a copy of a letter that I haven't sent to Katie. We have made an agreement not to talk for a month, to give each other the space to dissolve the emotional ties so that one day, maybe, we could be friends. I wanted to attach a copy of the letter she sent me, but shit, without her permission, that wouldn't be cool. So, here's my reply to a letter you will probably never see.
Dear Katie,
it was good to talk to you too. I felt a lightness today that was simply not there yesterday. I felt like I could just lighten up a little bit and play with maia (a seven year old on the land) and just be happy in the moment.
I dreamt about you all night last night. Dream after dream you were there. The last dream I remember, we went to this woman, together, and I signed an agreement to really let you go. You took me to her, and said, maybe this person can help. And she felt like a... spirit guide... sort of binding me to really agree to give you space. She looked at me with these intense eyes like, "Mike, you have to do this." and it penetrated right through me, yet I felt strangely comfortable around her, and she was very familiar. ..... yet, in the midst of my dream I was just so happy you were there, with me. I felt like I could just talk to you and be myself and feel whatever I was feeling, and you were still there, you were still there beside me, and I felt loved by you, like you were in my life to help me, and help me understand that everything's going to be okay.
Just your presence. just your presence.
After I signed that contract, I woke up with the sun. And reality really settled in. Even in my dream I was just happy to be hanging out with you. ANd though it was intense to wake up to not being able to talk to you, I felt this motivation to practice. And to be good to myself. I just talked to Miles, and I was talking to him about how I was dreaming about the ocean. At the end of the conversation, he said, "Stay up, man. Don't let that shit get to you too much. Do what you can do." and I said, "That's all I can do."
I have had mutiple conversations today about how I have these tools... on the one hand, I have this view of real wakefulness through this situation, of a seed of really experiencing my pain, and allowing it to wake me up. It's interesting, because when I feel this intense pain, and analyze it (have you read my blog yet?) and just feel it, let it slow me down, I can feel this awareness, that's not really me, but there's this sense of an observer just watching my life. And at the same time, there's this real sense of lashing out, of acting on these painful emotions, of really feeling overwhelmed by the whole situation. and feeling like I am going to die from it. My point basicly is, is that I have a choice in how to react to a pain that is inevitable. The pain will be there no matter what, but my only choice is how to relate with it. and this, in my view, is the absolute clearest understanding/experience of Buddhism that one could possibly have... maybe. I don't really know, but this seed of wakefulness is always there.
I miss you, and I love you. And I wish that I wasn't afraid that expressing these things just pushes you more away. in this moment, it feels okay to express these things, maybe just because right now I'm not engulfed in my worry to get you back, and I don't want to have to worry about the right things to say to give you space... I just want to be me....
So should I send this to you? Is sending this to you not giving you space? I don't know... But how can I worry about pushing you more away if you're already gone. Somehow, that seed of hope just creates more suffering.
But, I love you, so I want to respect your wishes of space. So maybe I won't send this to you. I'll just put it on my blog. Because I do love you, and I want to give you respect. And I guess, really, the best way of showing that is to give you space. And I honestly don't know if sending you this is doing that.
Ah, Samsara.
I don't want to run away, yet I don't want to really face it.
I want to go to Maui with Miles and Ben. (Seriously. I'm probably going to do this after the end of the summer... dreaming about the vastness of the ocean and that type of freedom of being on a boat).
I want to wake up.
I want to not want anymore and just live and breathe and love it all.
Do what you can do.
That's all you can do.
2 comments:
every moment and every day is space. time, give that too.
i'm sorry you are going through so much hurt right now mike. i wish we could hangout.
i'm working on thesis number two right now. it eats up much of myself, but thats ok.
i know there is nothing i can write in a blog that will change your world, your world is in the midst of changing.
but, letting go is the point. that is, letting go of the fear of doing the wrong thing or not doing enough. all you can do is try and nobody and no deity can ask for more.
you are an admirable person mike. don't let yourself forget that.
hey, brother. It seems that although you are going through an incredibly hard time right now, you are making progress and dealing with your pain in a positive, productive way. It's always hard to give advice when it comes to matters of the heart, as everyone reacts very differently to soul-pain. You seem to be making progress which is both impressive and great. As far as the future goes, it is looking bright. I dream about the ocean almost every night, and I have perfected the art of the sleeping water breathe. It is glorious and fills my heart with happiness. Let us venture forth into the unknown, but together so it's funner. Gotta get back to work, but stay up man. also keep it real as you always do. We love you bro
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