So, I have changed the address of this blog to mikaelhirokachov.blogspot.com. The reason being that I know that Katie had access to the last address, and I feel like I might be holding myself back, or other the other extreme saying some things that I hope she would read, so that was having an influence on things a bit. This is for me.
So I've had three violent dreams about Katie now. They have grown progessively more violent over the past couple of weeks. And last nights was by far the most intense.
"I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. I fucking hate you."
Mixed with acts of physical aggression and violence that I didn't think I was even capable of. Yeah it's just a dream or whatever you want to say, but the dreams have been so vivid. And I apparently have a lot more anger towards Katie then I thought. And it's mixed with jealousy, because the violence has ensued in my dreams ater she starts telling me about other guys she's been fucking. Jake, Ryan. Jake... shit that's gotta be my own mind. Such a frat boy name.
I don't really know how to process my anger. Truly. It gets bottled up, and turns into resentment. THis was going on when Katie and I were still together too, and it happened all the time in high school when I got upset by my parents. I don't really have a good outlet. And my last blog talked about how the only way I could free myslef of this anger is with realizing that I don't have to stop loving Katie. Yet... well... this doesn't work all the time.
The fact is... I miss my life at Shambhala. It was the first job that I ever loved, and I was surrounded be people I could talk to, and really just open up with. Something that I value incredibly. These days, I don't really like my job... I am frantic all the time at it, and it's RARE that I actually have a good conversation with people. Maybe once every couple of weeks, and it's usually with Boomer. Which is good, but it's just that, shit I ENVY Katie's life, and I feel like she took it away from me.
Yet I forget that I CHOSE to leave. She wanted both of us to stay. Yet, while I did choose to leave, it felt choiceless at the time. And obviously still does. She was into my best friend. She had already moved on to taking interest in others. And I couldn't stand to see that in my face every day. And it's obvious that she's been with other guys this summer. EVERYONE hooks up over the summer up there. It's like Summer camp. And she's probably meeting some really fuckin cool people. And I am as isolated as ever. Working a lot, and truly going for days without a real human connection... something I had ALL the time up there. Every day.
So I feel like a fuckin victim. Isolated, looking to the past, wondering about the future (trying to make something happen) and not enjoying the present. And that's no way to live.
Yet, there's gotta be something for me in this experience. I think we can all look back in our lives and see how seemlessly one event unfolded and it led you to another and another and it all seems pretty synchronistic. Yet, I haven't felt that kind of synchronicity and magic, really, since I graduated college. It's been more yearning and worry and confusion than anything else.
I just don't know what that something is yet...
Like, I can come up with different optomistic points of view, like it's a really good time to get to know myself again, it's a good time to explore and be in the world, in society, in the city, it's a good time to hook up with lots of different girls, it's a good time to enjoy life, (well it's always a good time to enjoy life), or maybe it's a good time to go within, regardless of external circumstances, it's a good time to find strength, it's a good time to take a leap of faith, it's a good time to face your fears, it's a good time to experiment with life, it's a good time to practice nonattachment, it's a good time to cheer yourself up, it's a good time to just have a good time.............
then what's wrong?
I am still basing my happiness almost completely on external circumstances.
And I don't really like what I see.
So what's next?
Focus on the present moment? On just being alive? Human? Breathing, changing, living....
Realize how the world comes from the inside out?
Understand happiness/suffering based solely on the rhythms and thoughts of my mind and not external situations? Not on the past, not on the future but moment by moment?
At this point... fuck man. I give up. I have NO idea what the future holds for me. I admit that I am still a bit confused on what it is I am to do. But, can I enjoy it? Can I just enjoy life and let it teach me some things without so much resistence to the present circumstances? Am I happy? no, not really. Do I have happy moments? Yes, of course.
This is what's hard. I get more and more into the past and the future when I am not enjoying the present. And EVERY time I go to work, this happens. And EVERY time I feel lonely and want to talk to somebody, this happens. And EVERY time I want to talk to someone about meditation, this happens. And EVERY time I think about Shambhala, this happens.
FUCK.
So heavy. Feel like a weak-ass Atlas. I don't think that guy ever laughed.
Because shit, the struggle is pretty funny and beautiful.
I'm just tired. So fuckin tired of trying to control and will my life into satisfaction.
Forgiveness is for oneself.
How do I free this dragon?
fear=separation=ego --> missing a whole lot. missing the mark.
Movin your spirit is like walkin through an X.
Anything is possible.
3 comments:
mr. mike, did you ever consider writing?
you know the problem and you know the solution, but it doesn't change anything. which makes me think that you haven't found the problem or the solution.
i relate to your feelings a lot...but i've got my own subjective twist to it all...in terms of my own life and momentary circumstance.
your violence is ok and not ok. i can't control my dreams so i couldn't expect you too either. i think it makes sense that you are raging in your dreams. a lot of sense. but you aren't a violent person and you know it. that means you need to address how to react towards being violated. we all assume how we'll act after being violated, but no one knows until it actually happens to them.
so one day we must finish our epic phone tag sequence number 12
i mean writing more than a blog. you are a really clear writer.
I agree with Alexis. you're able to clearly formulate your ideas and feelings probably better than anyone I've ever known. I struggle constantly with trying to write, and say, exactly what I'm feeling.
My emotions are so mixed, and seem to come too fast to funnel into competent thoughts. You always told me that when you grew up, you wanted to help people. For a while, we thought we'd be doctors, but apparently it takes more than good intentions and a good mind. it would have taken years and countless hours of studying shit that really didn't interest us(ie. CU chemistry). Luckily, you've found a way to help in a different way. You have the gift, my friend. The gift of speech, whether it be written or not. You say what you want to say, how you want to say it and you help others do the same. Keep writing, brother, and keep that internal joy intact, no matter what happens on the outside.
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