Even though your feelings have dispersed somewhat over the past few days, you can still work in a highly creative manner. Pick a place to start, even if it doesn't seem to encompass your entire vision. Don't allow yourself to become confused by the overwhelming flood of images. Just stick to your original idea and play it through.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Isolation --------> Freedom

This is a strange feeling that I have a hard time talking about, or writing about, because it's kind of intangible. But it's a feeling that I often have, that I am completely new, that I am sorta left out of the loop of some fantastic joke that everyone around me seems to get but me. And really, it is painful, it is the peak of this feeling of separtation or separateness, the feeling of isolation, mixed with a deparate confusion, that has sorta been present since I graduated college. Have I talked about this before? But it's not always there. It's not. Because, I have also felt like I am part of one mind, one fantastic joke, that is just playing itself out, really playing, and arising, on its own, absolutely spontaneously. Which is probably why I enjoy improv comedy so much more than stand up. It's not set up to make people laugh, it's just an acknowledgment of the absurdity of the present moment. Just laughing at the mere experience of existence, and celebrating it while making fun of it at the same time. And somehow, when I am I able to experience this, I feel connected, yet it isn't until I've completely let go that this is possible. You Know?

How better to explain this to myself. What does it feel like. What does it look like. DUALITY. You and Me. This and the Other. Thoughts and Experience. Inner and Outer. Content and Context.

I feel isolated when I am totally wrapped up in me, in my personal identity, in my hopes and fears, my insecurities and my streengths, my appearance and how I appear to other(s).... Let all that go, in whichever way you know how or prefer, and huh, it all melts away into comedy, and yeah, we can have a good time. Inhibition? Hesitation? Yeah, these are the things I notice that come up when I feel that sense of other. When I can just appreciate my experience, what is going on around me and within me without latching onto a hope or fear, a desired outcome, or a feeling of comfort, then shit, I'm more comfortable. Just sorta being there and watching, yet also completely engaged.

Um, I think a better way to put this is just being yourself. We all know what that feels like. Yet, there isn't a specific situation that is more conducive for this to actually happen. It's funny, because, I find it most obvious in the extremes: In sitatations that are completely comfortable, being around old friends, people that you love, or even just a lover, a person that you feel completely safe with. I am myself, and I am almost addicited to it, because I love being in love. Who doesn't? Isn't this why we love our lovers? Isn't this what we all search for in some way? God, it's beautiful when we can finally just relax and be ourselves, and be completely and wholly loved just for that, just for existing, as ourselves, we are loved. INCREDIBLE!!! I am loved for being nothing other than me. Holy shit, the Universe is perfect. I am the luckiest person alive. Love love love love love.

And yet, I have felt this same feeling in situations when I am completely out of my element. Traveling. Traveling. Traveling. Nothing is familiar. There is no solid ground to stand on. The only person that can possibly love you is yourself. I am in a foreign country, without a good grasp of the language, and I really have no idea what's going on. Holy shit. Holy fucking shit man, what do I do? Um, I guess just wake up, make a destination, that may or may not be reached by the end of the day, and go. Take a step, and see what comes up along he way. No safety, no security, somehow leading to freedom.

And somehow, both situations bring out this sense of freedom. When you're in love, it's like, "Wow, I can just be me, and that's enough, in fact, that's everything." When you're traveling, it's like, "Wow, I have to survive." And me just comes out. Freedom.

I like both... equally. And I am eager to find all the situations in between.

One more thing

I've found... Good people are everywhere. And if I can find life here in the suburbs, I'm pretty sure I can find it anywhere. That's the freedom I've been looking for. And it's both tangible and magical, recognizable, yet ineffable, but there, all the time, inviting you, to say yes to it all. Now. now. now. not somewhere in a fantasy of a better life, a clearer understanding, now, no wait, no teacher, no guru to open your mind or explode it into oblivion, now... stillness giving rise to form, space enough to play. now. here in this body, in this life, in this breath,... and this one... and this one.

and this one.

GLOWING.

It's been a while.

Since I wrote. Three months? Wow, amazing. I can truly say a lot has changed.

"Rhyme writin, pressure is on, wanna move to the desert, sing guitar songs, wanna move away form the big city crime and fear, but I know the world needs me here, you too!"

Is it really possible that I found beauty in the suburbs? Fuckin crazy man. But I did. It's super interesting to read my last blog, and feel what I was feeling three months ago, and then, feel how I'm feeling right now... which is pretty damn good. And really, my outside circumstances haven't changed all that much at all. I'm still at the same job with the same people, living in the same place, doing the same things I did for fun... It's colder outside now, I've been doing some art, I've hooked up with a few girls, and slept with a couple of them, and shit, I've got to stop there, because I'm not gonna lie, those girls helped tremendously.

Why?

I think the simplest answer would be that it reminded me that other girls actually exist, and that they could actually be into me, and that I could actually let go of all my fear and resistence and clinging and depression, and just talk to girls and play. And it's funny, none of them were girls that I could picture being with, but they were fun, and I think that's exactly what I needed, that reminder that life can be and is incredibly fun. A comedy within a tragedy. A tragedy within a comedy. Chaos and the potential for chaos is always just as present as pattern and form, and I think we yearn for both, and finding that balance is maybe what makes us so crazy and beautiful and human.

I had a thought the other day about the similarties between the idea of sin/confession, and meditation. They both are most basically about being honest about who we are, and accepting it fully, gently. That's what the context brings. Sin really just translates to "missing the mark" which isn't some sort of fire and brimstone threat, that if you don't act a certain way, you will go to hell, rather, it you act a certain way, have a certain view of the world, you are in fact living in hell, during those moments, and it's not anything that someone else can tell you, it's a well-being within yourself, and talking to someone about whatever you happen to be feeling is a good way to become honest with yourself, and feel accepted no matter what, which is why people are always forgiven when they go to confession, I think, I've never gone to confession, but maybe I should. I think it'd be cheaper than therapy. So anyways, and similarly, meditation is pretty much doing the same thing, becoming completely honest and okay with who you are, becoming more and more familiar with the patterns of your own mind, and constantly and consistently accepting what you see, over and over again. Coming back to the moment, and back to the breath allows you to see the transluscence of all those crazy thoughts, it allows you to see that all those things that you might conisider to be the foundation of who and what you are, are actually kinda fleeting, they arise, peak and fall away, moving through your mind like waves in the ocean. Honesty, gentleness, acceptence, transcendence. We are constantly choosing ourselves and our world.

Who are you trying to protect?

Who is it that you are trying so hard to keep alive? To define?

These are some questions that I find myself asking.

What are you waiting for?

Let me know.

Rage?!!! RAGE!!!

So, I have changed the address of this blog to mikaelhirokachov.blogspot.com. The reason being that I know that Katie had access to the last address, and I feel like I might be holding myself back, or other the other extreme saying some things that I hope she would read, so that was having an influence on things a bit. This is for me.

So I've had three violent dreams about Katie now. They have grown progessively more violent over the past couple of weeks. And last nights was by far the most intense.

"I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. I fucking hate you."

Mixed with acts of physical aggression and violence that I didn't think I was even capable of. Yeah it's just a dream or whatever you want to say, but the dreams have been so vivid. And I apparently have a lot more anger towards Katie then I thought. And it's mixed with jealousy, because the violence has ensued in my dreams ater she starts telling me about other guys she's been fucking. Jake, Ryan. Jake... shit that's gotta be my own mind. Such a frat boy name.

I don't really know how to process my anger. Truly. It gets bottled up, and turns into resentment. THis was going on when Katie and I were still together too, and it happened all the time in high school when I got upset by my parents. I don't really have a good outlet. And my last blog talked about how the only way I could free myslef of this anger is with realizing that I don't have to stop loving Katie. Yet... well... this doesn't work all the time.

The fact is... I miss my life at Shambhala. It was the first job that I ever loved, and I was surrounded be people I could talk to, and really just open up with. Something that I value incredibly. These days, I don't really like my job... I am frantic all the time at it, and it's RARE that I actually have a good conversation with people. Maybe once every couple of weeks, and it's usually with Boomer. Which is good, but it's just that, shit I ENVY Katie's life, and I feel like she took it away from me.

Yet I forget that I CHOSE to leave. She wanted both of us to stay. Yet, while I did choose to leave, it felt choiceless at the time. And obviously still does. She was into my best friend. She had already moved on to taking interest in others. And I couldn't stand to see that in my face every day. And it's obvious that she's been with other guys this summer. EVERYONE hooks up over the summer up there. It's like Summer camp. And she's probably meeting some really fuckin cool people. And I am as isolated as ever. Working a lot, and truly going for days without a real human connection... something I had ALL the time up there. Every day.

So I feel like a fuckin victim. Isolated, looking to the past, wondering about the future (trying to make something happen) and not enjoying the present. And that's no way to live.

Yet, there's gotta be something for me in this experience. I think we can all look back in our lives and see how seemlessly one event unfolded and it led you to another and another and it all seems pretty synchronistic. Yet, I haven't felt that kind of synchronicity and magic, really, since I graduated college. It's been more yearning and worry and confusion than anything else.

I just don't know what that something is yet...

Like, I can come up with different optomistic points of view, like it's a really good time to get to know myself again, it's a good time to explore and be in the world, in society, in the city, it's a good time to hook up with lots of different girls, it's a good time to enjoy life, (well it's always a good time to enjoy life), or maybe it's a good time to go within, regardless of external circumstances, it's a good time to find strength, it's a good time to take a leap of faith, it's a good time to face your fears, it's a good time to experiment with life, it's a good time to practice nonattachment, it's a good time to cheer yourself up, it's a good time to just have a good time.............

then what's wrong?

I am still basing my happiness almost completely on external circumstances.

And I don't really like what I see.

So what's next?

Focus on the present moment? On just being alive? Human? Breathing, changing, living....

Realize how the world comes from the inside out?

Understand happiness/suffering based solely on the rhythms and thoughts of my mind and not external situations? Not on the past, not on the future but moment by moment?

At this point... fuck man. I give up. I have NO idea what the future holds for me. I admit that I am still a bit confused on what it is I am to do. But, can I enjoy it? Can I just enjoy life and let it teach me some things without so much resistence to the present circumstances? Am I happy? no, not really. Do I have happy moments? Yes, of course.

This is what's hard. I get more and more into the past and the future when I am not enjoying the present. And EVERY time I go to work, this happens. And EVERY time I feel lonely and want to talk to somebody, this happens. And EVERY time I want to talk to someone about meditation, this happens. And EVERY time I think about Shambhala, this happens.

FUCK.

So heavy. Feel like a weak-ass Atlas. I don't think that guy ever laughed.

Because shit, the struggle is pretty funny and beautiful.

I'm just tired. So fuckin tired of trying to control and will my life into satisfaction.

Forgiveness is for oneself.

How do I free this dragon?

fear=separation=ego --> missing a whole lot. missing the mark.

Movin your spirit is like walkin through an X.

Anything is possible.

More

I lost my most recent journal. So when I'm at a computer, I feel like I have to write. And continue writing for myself, and just keep being unafraid to show it to whoever would like to read it. Glen reminded me of that when I first started.

The last entry was a copy of an email I sent to Paul. He's called a couple of times since I left, but I never returned his calls. I am just now learning how to relate with this pain in a good way, and let it transform me.

My cousin Lindsay just broke up with her boyfriend of almost four years. It takes real courage. She just knew in her gut that it wasn't right. They were supposed to move in together, and she just couldn't pack her all of her stuff up, something was holding her back. So she trusted herself and broke off something that she knew had to end. She said she lost herself, and she seemed really happy about her decision.

Yeah, it's only been a week and it might hit her differently at some point, or, it might not. Maybe that's the result when you really trust yourself, and you make decisions from there.

In the midst of my gried, and my victim mentality, I forgot that feeling that I knew that something wasn't right either. That I lost myself too. And that when Katie and I intitially broke up, it was kinda beautiful. I do believe, one day, we will be good friends. It's hard to lose your best friend, and it really just forces you to start working from the inside out.

I think I've searched for love in the form of a female relationship for so long, hoping that it would fill this hole, or rid me of this anxiety. Eventually, I always find someone, or someone finds me, but it's never when I am searching, or trying to fill a hole. It's when I embody that which I am desiring. And really, that love that you feel for another, from another, is always available all the time. And it's crazy because I KNOW this, I know this through direct experience, but I completely forgot. I forgot what it felt like. I forgot what it's like to surrendur like that. I forgot what it feels like to be totally comfortable sitting by yourself with no distractions, I forgot what it feels like to be in love with life, and grateful for whatever life brings be it painful or joyous, I forgot what it was like to engage in a text, not just read it, I forgot what it was like to be totally comfortable with no ground to stand on, I forgot that you can actually learn from life, I forgot that no matter what kind of nightmares you have, you can genuinely wish the best for another.

I've been reading this book that talks about karma, and karmic connections. It talks about essesntially, we have these karmic connections with other individuals in our life, and we have been playing out the same drama with each other for eons, and because of this, it's so easy to fall into the roles of those dramas because they are so familiar. Yet, it's these very dramas that are the key to transcendence, because they reveal the themes in your life that keep repeating themselves, and often times, they are so painful, that the individual is forced to either learn from the drama and transcend it, or repeat it over and over and over. Essentially it says that when we can genuinely wish well-being for that person that has caused you the most pain, that that sense of separation dissolves into the "oneness" that is all of this. Seein the God, Godliness in this situation, in this person.

And honestly, it's not that hard. It's the only practice that eases the pain and anger I have. And it's no different than it's always been with Katie. It was always so obvious (I think) when I was loving with nonattachment, or, without conditions, and when I was loving from a standpoint/viewpoint of possession, fear, victim consciousness. I fell in love with Katie, and she with me, in this true type of love, that universal love, that does not claim as one's own, but frees and wishes the best for. When I told Katie she could run away, I meant it. And in remembering what that felt like, I can still love her today, right now, even though I haven't spoken to her in months.

I have had a couple of really intense and vivid dreams that have seemed to really push me to face this. Katie has appeared, telling me about another guy in her life. With details of their sex life, of what he looks like, showing me love letters that she's sent with him.... Aquarius, black hair, artist, young, from the east, at least east of here.... anyways, those details don't really matter, and chances are they could be completely conjured by my imagination. But it still affected me as if she had actually told me that stuff. The brain can't tell the difference between memories from the waking state and the memories of a dream. And I have been dreaming a lot lately. I can still feel the sting on my hand....

Yet, these dreams have really forced me to face this. Not to just distract myself, because there are things here that are real beauty, that are actually .... well just enlightening. I'm learning about the cosmos again, and when I sat in my Grandpa's chair, and I realized that I could still love Katie, and that in fact was the only way out of my anger, and to love her and love myself like God is, something opened up in me, like a dam had been destroyed. And I could see some sychronicity, and for the first time in a very long time... I was grateful.

Yeah, there's a lot of things I'm still not clear about. Things that could be better, but right now, I am in a good spot. And the more I feel, and the more time I allow for myself, the more I learn to work with my emotions, the better the world looks. Regardless of circumstance.

Things are getting better, and I have no doubt in my mind, that soon, I will be journeying again. Physically, that is.

"See you're a warrior fighting for your soul. Taken from the world above and brought to this world below.
Desceded to this pit, what's that feeling can't get rid of it, I'm so sick I can't seem to shake it. When one retires at night weeping, JOY will come in the morning, you made my mountains stay strong.
See like an ancient memory, remember how it used to be, close your eyes and breathe in the sense of freedom. Ringing accross the sea, land of milk and honey, one day we'll wake up from this dream and we'll stop sleeeping. Then we'lll see clearly.
See you're a warrior fighting for your soul. Taken from the world above and brought to this world below."--Matisyahu

Up up up up up.... AND

DOWN down down down down....

And in the end, it's only round and round.... round and round...




Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo . yo yo. yo.

Healing takes some time, and to tell you the truth, for a while I couldn't really deal with, or want to look at anything that reminded me of Katie. It's funny, man, I've had to almost redefine my spirituality, or rather, let it rise from the ashes, as so much of my relationship with Buddhism is so intertwined with Katie. When we were in India, she sat right in front of me in the shrine room. We fell in love in the context of this awakening, so it's funny, that I have to sort of reclaim it for myself, make it my own again.

So I sit in front of a mirror.

And I remember what that sensation feels like.. real revelation, true grace, mesmerized by synchronicity, tashi tendril.

And I remember what it was like when Katie and I first met. I told her once, when were becoming more and more familiar with each other, "It's okay, you can run away." True non attachment to outcome. Real unconditional love. And this relationship has, and continues to bring me to this state of understanding, through direct experience, of seeing the universe as open, as unending, as friendly, or seeing it instead as hostile, abandoning, and scary.

I've been trying to cover my pain with anger, and while it's given me more energy, it is ultimately futile. Yet, it is powerful. And you can't battle it with force. So, at some point I just surrender, and remember that I love Katie, and I don't have to stop loving her, in fact, the only way out of this crippling anger, is with this sense of open, unconditional love, unattached to outcome, fueled by the very love that created the Universe. One in the same.

Don't really like my job, miss many things about SMC, Living with my grandparents, meeting some new city folk, getting my confidence back, drinking and doing silly stuff, making out with the occasional twentysomething, working some more, working with my crazy mind, and really getting glimpses of a reality I truly lost touch with.... but I am relating to life in a way that was so far away that I completely forgot what it felt like. Beauty man, real beauty, no matter what the circumstances may be. Isn't that what it's all about? Still figuring that out, I guess, but it feels good, somehow.

Also have been introduced to TONS of new music. Love you technology.

"Up up up up up up up and Down down down down down down, and in the end, it's only round and round, and round and round." The dance of Shiva, the observer, life.

So life is happening. As it always has, and always will.

Mountains turning into circles. and back into mountains.

WD-40

Yeah, it happened.

But why? Simple physics I guess. But shit, it sure would have been good. Healing even. Oh well. Could turn into something more regular and casual. We shall see.

Cheer yourself up.

Even when dreams be fucked up. Way too telling.

Face it.

And forgive.

The best sex of your life? An artist? Dark hair? 19? Ryan? Why did I have to know that shit?

Well, I just don't know.

Eyes forward. Lift it up and hold it to the light. Hidden from nothing. I can tell this is going to be good.

It's just the day-to-day living.... Shit, I don't want to go to work today. Fuck. But, shit man, life is good. Newness. Madness. Absolute openness to every situation. And laughter for the sake of itself. That's what heals.

Spontaneous affection. No wins, no losses, no strategies, no revenge. Just true open, unafraid, spontaneous, affection.

Life is pretty crazy.

I have so much more to learn here.

Good

Morning.

A Fairytale

While I stood and shook I prayed for the knowledge to come and fill that part of my head that knew and understood nothing of this world.

I left my home and family to find and entered the woods. I walked deeper and deeper into the world of trees that reached the sky and damp earth that smelled of life, into a world I had always been warned not to enter. The day I left my home, I could sense the adventure that lay ahead. Armed with nothing but courage in my chest and good sense on my shoulders, I let my feet lead me into the great unknown.

The woman in dragon scales glided up the mountain and vanished in the mists. The needle bade me to follow her snow white hairs that glistened like silver strands of dew.

The man who killed my father stood on the open ground with an army of people waiting to rise from the earth. He brandished a blade in his hand and struck it towards the sun.

With each step I took, the people of soil tried to clench my feet harder and began to pull me down.

"And who are you boy?" Mother asked me. Her weak eyes did not recognize my much-changed face and form. I told her I was her son but she did not believe me. "If you are the son that left so many days ago, and if you are the one who brought back this jade figure of father, then you are the one who will be able to restore him to his normal shape." She flicked her wrist and flung the jade piece at me.

Without hesitance I lifted my pant legs began to dance in father's leather bottomed shoes. The soles breezed across the floor, cutting the mist with rhythmic motions. I then turned the ring on my finger and watched my father rise, soil shedding from his skin. His shaved face and clean hands stood against the paling crowd. This impressed the people who stood before me, as did the fact that my tongue did not bleed from the needle it held.

"My son!" Mother cried out to me.

Black and White

There was a time when I was absolutely terrified of making the wrong decision, or regretful that I had made a wrong decision, and that somehow, there was no way to turn back. Yet, I think we're all going to end up in the same place no matter what, we'll all end up at the top of the mountain, as Boomer would say, we just take some varied paths to get there. It seems that some decisions create outcomes that are easier than others, and sometimes we just gotta learn some shit before we take another step forward.

Like the two branches of the tree going towards the sky, I don't think there are any wrong decisions, ever. The Universe will always bring justice to the situation. It will always balance itself out... which is why when I look at how people are treating the earth, treating themselves, and treating each other, the near future looks pretty fuckin scarry. I think it's gonna take some very brave people to bring the world back into balance. Maybe it'll happen in our generation, maybe in our kids', but the momentum is building. I hope I can be brave enough to help.

I am working with anger, lust, frustration. It has been a recurring pattern in my life to be tempted by women who can't commit. Why is that? I don't really know. It seems that I've always wanted something out of the women I love that they can't give me. To love openly, spontaneously... how does this relate to myself? While I have lots of anger still, I have not truly claimed my part in it. It's easy to blame others for the cause of your pain, even if it's completely obvious, yet there are always aspects of the situation that you put yourself into.

I didn't trust myself. I clung. I waited. I blamed. I was scared of life. Scared to really be myself, because fuck, I'm still figuring out what that is. Yet, it's not so hard to find that really. We all know those subtle differences when we are truly being ourselves and when we are somehow sacrificing our integrity for whatever reason. I don't regret it though. While there was a part of me that knew it was probably a good idea to let her go, I still had to give it another go. And we did. And we both discovered what we had already known deep within.

Have you ever tried to combat anger in yourself? It's fucking impossible to combat it. Or even to avoid it. You just have to sort of keep it in check. Just watch it. And use the power of suggestion to create space. I'm no victim. Angry though. Yes, still unable to release this anger.

What did I learn from Katie?
I admired her ability to respect herself. I loved the way she created her spaces. She recognized things that were special to her so easily. She elucidated the beauty in the ordinary and simple. She showed me these aspects of life. Very grounded, very connected to earthy things, while I always seem to have my head in the clouds. I loved her so dearly, I think, that I began trying to see the world through her eyes. I wanted to draw wisdom out of the world the way that she did. And that, somehow, isn't right, because I lost touch with the way I interact with the world. Mind, openness, air, possibility, urgency, unbelievable connectedness. I like ideas. And these days, I am being pushed to embody. Yeah, I can talk about all these things, but how do I ambody them? Have I truly experienced my Self? Have I?

Mystery and intuition. Balance and rebirth. Creation, destruction.

I am going to do a vision quest in a few weeks. Four days of fasting followed by 24 hours on the hill, naked, with a blanket, a pipe, and prayer. For what? To really get to know myself again. To bring myself out of the darkness. To be broken down. To surrendur absolutely.

Can I hear my voice again?

Not sure, but i's changing. Maybe it's more honest. Maybe it's just as cheesy as before. But it does feel older. Wiser? maybe. While I want to mature and grow up, what I really want is to get wiser about all this.

And just fuckin enjoy it all. Basically cheer myself up. Because come on, it's my life. It's life in general. Beautiful, scarry, mysterious, fun, fucked up, and alive. Expanding, shutting down, clear, confused, black and white.

You know?

Well,

Got another reading from Howard.

Be patient.

Beware and become aware of your tempations.

Anger, lust, wantonness, from a woman.

Yet

Women as a whole, women as a group can bring you back into the light.

Cheer yourself up.

Temptation lies SW of here. NW is better... openness, liveliness. Oregon feels... right somehow.

Off I go.

Dreams

I was told that I have psychic powers. I just don't trust them enough.

Dreams brilliant enough to confuse with reality.

Must keep looking forward and stay with the breath.

She has moved on. You are too.

Burnt skin and a tree full of prayers.

Healed.

What do I want?

I want to feel comfortable sitting in a room by myself. I want to feel free and and fearless. I want to experience each moment in my life as something to enjoy and learn from. I want this pain in my chest to teach me something. I want it to go away. I want to have an adventure. I want to feel courage in all that I do. I want to feel loved from within. I want to go big. I want to hold nothing back. I want to feel what it's like to be in love again. I want to sail on the ocean. I want to learn how to surf. I want to always be surrounded by cool people. I want to take a trip across the ocean. I want to witness, without any doubt in my mind, cocreation. I want faith in ideas that I've only been flirting with. I want amazement. I want to loose my breath only to bring it back in. I want a teacher. I want a guru. I want a lover. I want to want everything and nothing. I want discipline. I want to wait tables in Pa'ia. I want to live at a Dharma center. I want to smell the ocean and eat mangoes for breakfast. I want confidence.

Okay. Let's do it.

Wings of Sushi

Life changes. And it seems that stress and anxiety are results of one's resistence to those changes. Yet to know that simply isn't enough. We must be thrown into the fire to rise out of the ashes. And the process can sometimes be painful. Unless you learn to embrace it and laugh at yourself. Because wow, my drama is the BIGGEST drama in the world and my problems are so much worse than your problems. It's this sense of isolation that I get when I focus on the things that are most difficult in life. To think that eveyone else's life is so easy and everyone else already has it all figured out. The first Noble Truth of Suffering isn't a pessimistic view of the world, it's just an honest assessment of the human condition. And real understanding of it, real experience of it actually allows for compassion for yourself, and compassion for others to arise. It opens that raw heart that is exploded when you are heartbroken, and it actually can open you up to a greater experience of life.

There's this idea, that we go through life, thinking that something will save us. If only I had that job, I would be happy, if only I had that relationship, I would be happy, if only I had a different relationship, I would be happy... yet once we finally get these things, we still are lieft with the same feeling. At least in my experience. So like, right now, I am feeling anxious not only about my separation from Katie, but also from the fact that I have to to find a job.

I want to work in a Sushi place. Don't know why. Probably because sushi is delicious, and because I am Japanese and it is built into my DNA to be magnetized toward sushi, and Sake. But honestly, I don't have any experience waiting tables or being a sushi chef. So the critic inside says, "there's no way they're going to hire you." Yet there is something else pushing its way through that says, "Dude, relax. You can do anything." Dude. And it's fucking right. I know I can.

Yet, it seems like in order for things to pop into your life, you have to be open for them to come. And this takes a mentatlity, a state of mind, a state of being, that doesn't involve that stupid critic. It's like you have to act as if those things that you want are already a part of your experience. Then, the confidence and lightness can come through easily. It's like not being attached to the outcome somehow brings immense power. Power Vs. Force.

So, to any of you that are reading this, envision my Japanese face making Japanese sushi... and loving it.

Thanks.

Happy Easter

Rise.

Like the sun up at the crack of the dawn, like a wakin' giant in morning stretchin' and yawnin',

Rise.

Like an infant bein held in the light, like smoke from an incense when it's ignited.

Rise.

If you're sleepin won't you open you're eyes again. The greatest high be that natural high within.
No need in forcin the progression, just ride the wind. You will know the answer to the where, and why and when.

If you keep workin for your search you will find the end, but in the end you'll only find it begins again. See in the end, you see it only begins again, and everything you learn you're only rememberin, cuz you're... FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Yes Free.
Let your mind and your soul be free.
Work to shine meet your goals, believe.
Spread that kind of L-O-V-E.
Take some time off the lonely...

Cause all we got is rhythm and timin'.
We go beyond the edge of the sky.

Cause all we got is rhythm and timin'.
We go beyond the edge of the sky.

Cause all we got is rhythm and timin'.
We go beyond the edge of the sky.

Dreams

I dream about Katie every night. Without fail, she shows up in my dreams every single night. It's gotten tot he point where I'm just like, "Okay, gonna see Katie tonight." before I go to sleep. And it's really fuckin hard. To see her so vividly. Last night I dreamt that I was back on the mountain, and I was visiting all of my old friends, and I was really trying to avoid seeing katie, but of course she showed up. She had a crazy 80's haircut with one side totally shaved, I liked it. But it was just incredibly sad, and when I looked at her, and she really looked back at me, we just began to cry, and some part of me knew I was dreaming, because last night DMay and I crashed on Miles' floor and I was self-conscious about crying in the middle of the night with DMay in the room. I don't think I let myself cry enough, and maybe I'm not processing this stuff with Katie as much as I need to because my sub-conscious is bringing her into awareness literally every single night. This has been going on for about three weeks. And it's a bit overwhelming.

So maybe I'll start a dream journal, so that I can sorta process what my dreams are trying to tell me. And shit, maybe they aren't really trying to tell me anything. Maybe my sub-conscious is so attached to Katie, because she runs so deep in me still, that it literally has to bring her into my experience through dreams. I don't know, but dharma seems to be seeping its way into my sub-conscious too. Because while I was crying in my dream, while there was a part of me that totally knew I was dreaming, and that the whole situation that was being played out in my mind was just a fantasy, I stayed there with it, and I was saying to myself, just breathe into this moment, and don't push it away. Don't get caught up by the past, or worry about the future just be in this dream and feel it. So it's really fucking interesting, that maybe this stuff is clicking in a way that I haven't experienced before. And also, what a fuckin cool state of mind to be in that space in between the dream state and waking reality... to sorta be conscious of both happening at the same time. I can remember talking to Shane Boris about this very state in High School. It's worth mentioning.

So, jumbled this entry seems. But somehow, it just feels good and healthy to write. And to keep writing till one day, this blog won't be all about Katie.

Peace in.

Change is the only constant.

Thank baby geegos for that, huh?

I guess I just wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to deal with all my shit, my attachment, my insecurities, my laziness, my desperation, my loneliness, my neediness... My greatness. How easy it is to forget that part of yourself, even in a relationship that is loving, that is comfortable, sometimes dull, yet incredibly sweet. Even in this situation which seems so perfect, you can still forget how great you really are, or even just the fact that you are. You ARE.

So, life is happening at an incredible speed, yet the days feel long, like it feels when you are traveling. So much can happen in a day because it all feels so new and unfamiliar that you can actually notice what's going on in your life. I am living with my parents for days at a time, yet I am so groundless right now that it's hard to miss anything. My heart is broken, and open and raw, and it is like a window into everything I've been afraid to look at for a while. I think I was taking refuge in Katie Day. I really thought she could save me and take me to that place beyond all suffering.

Katie, sweet Katie. We loved so hard. We thought that for so long that all we needed in life was each other, that this one element would save us from ourselves. Yet when we finally got together, all we were left with was ourselves.... and yet..... How could we not do this? How could we not fall in love like that? How could we not take the chances that we did for each other? How could we have not had this particular adventure together? It seemed, choiceless in a lot of ways, and I do not regret a single moment of it all. It was brave, although it doesn't seem like it sometimes, it was a brave thing to do, to let ourselves love so crazily, so deeply, so foolishly even. Like Caroline said, it's really very beautiful, to have risked so much over and over. I love you. And this world is big enough for many people to love you over and over again. This world needs love like that, and it's too big to want all to myself. I love you. And I am grateful for sharing my life with you and for you sharing your life with me. It is a special thing, and I am still learning in my heart break. Somehow, finding the dream again, and slowly, patiently, living it.

To not be afraid of who you are... to not be afraid to be a fool... to be gentle towards oneself and others... to walk directly into those places that absolutely terrify. This is the walk of the warrior. And I can feel it in me.

A letter to Katie,

This is a copy of a letter that I haven't sent to Katie. We have made an agreement not to talk for a month, to give each other the space to dissolve the emotional ties so that one day, maybe, we could be friends. I wanted to attach a copy of the letter she sent me, but shit, without her permission, that wouldn't be cool. So, here's my reply to a letter you will probably never see.



Dear Katie,



it was good to talk to you too. I felt a lightness today that was simply not there yesterday. I felt like I could just lighten up a little bit and play with maia (a seven year old on the land) and just be happy in the moment.

I dreamt about you all night last night. Dream after dream you were there. The last dream I remember, we went to this woman, together, and I signed an agreement to really let you go. You took me to her, and said, maybe this person can help. And she felt like a... spirit guide... sort of binding me to really agree to give you space. She looked at me with these intense eyes like, "Mike, you have to do this." and it penetrated right through me, yet I felt strangely comfortable around her, and she was very familiar. ..... yet, in the midst of my dream I was just so happy you were there, with me. I felt like I could just talk to you and be myself and feel whatever I was feeling, and you were still there, you were still there beside me, and I felt loved by you, like you were in my life to help me, and help me understand that everything's going to be okay.

Just your presence. just your presence.



After I signed that contract, I woke up with the sun. And reality really settled in. Even in my dream I was just happy to be hanging out with you. ANd though it was intense to wake up to not being able to talk to you, I felt this motivation to practice. And to be good to myself. I just talked to Miles, and I was talking to him about how I was dreaming about the ocean. At the end of the conversation, he said, "Stay up, man. Don't let that shit get to you too much. Do what you can do." and I said, "That's all I can do."

I have had mutiple conversations today about how I have these tools... on the one hand, I have this view of real wakefulness through this situation, of a seed of really experiencing my pain, and allowing it to wake me up. It's interesting, because when I feel this intense pain, and analyze it (have you read my blog yet?) and just feel it, let it slow me down, I can feel this awareness, that's not really me, but there's this sense of an observer just watching my life. And at the same time, there's this real sense of lashing out, of acting on these painful emotions, of really feeling overwhelmed by the whole situation. and feeling like I am going to die from it. My point basicly is, is that I have a choice in how to react to a pain that is inevitable. The pain will be there no matter what, but my only choice is how to relate with it. and this, in my view, is the absolute clearest understanding/experience of Buddhism that one could possibly have... maybe. I don't really know, but this seed of wakefulness is always there.


I miss you, and I love you. And I wish that I wasn't afraid that expressing these things just pushes you more away. in this moment, it feels okay to express these things, maybe just because right now I'm not engulfed in my worry to get you back, and I don't want to have to worry about the right things to say to give you space... I just want to be me....

So should I send this to you? Is sending this to you not giving you space? I don't know... But how can I worry about pushing you more away if you're already gone. Somehow, that seed of hope just creates more suffering.

But, I love you, so I want to respect your wishes of space. So maybe I won't send this to you. I'll just put it on my blog. Because I do love you, and I want to give you respect. And I guess, really, the best way of showing that is to give you space. And I honestly don't know if sending you this is doing that.

Ah, Samsara.

I don't want to run away, yet I don't want to really face it.

I want to go to Maui with Miles and Ben. (Seriously. I'm probably going to do this after the end of the summer... dreaming about the vastness of the ocean and that type of freedom of being on a boat).

I want to wake up.

I want to not want anymore and just live and breathe and love it all.

Do what you can do.

That's all you can do.

The Rollercoater Ride of Self

While my last post felt incredibly optomistic, or well, just like the situation might be workable, I am still having to feel these painful emotions pretty much all day, every day. I am no doubt incredibly attached to the presence of Katie, and I can honestly admit that I have become attached to her. After three years, this seems pretty reasonable. And it is pointing to the fact that I was using her somehow to fulfill a part of myself that I normally have repressed. I am attracted to those type of people that have a sense of independence about relating with the world and with their lives, those individuals that value their time alone in such a way that their very identity relies upon creating this space for themself. Artists, it seems, value this like its their food. When I think about how I was raised, it begins to make sense... that I value connection more than space, that I am worried that if I don't have connection, I won't feel loved. When I am close to my family, I have been loved. In those periods of time when I felt like I needed to create space, to be out on my own, I have been punished. Without sounding too much like a victim, I am just trying to acknowledge those vulnerabilities that are at my core, those things that I will probably be dealing with for the rest of my life until I die. And the crazy deal about the whole situation is that I'm not really trying to improve myself, or get rid of these vunerabilities, because they are so deep that they have become a part of my subconscious, and will probably be triggered by various people and situations for the rest of my life. The trick is how I relate to them, how I choose to interact with these incredibly painful emotions and feelings that arise when my vulnerabilities are triggered. I can either repress them, act out on them, or watch them, feel them and really just be there with it... I realize that there are some very dark parts of me that arise when I feel these vulnerabilities get triggered. Fundamentally, I am incredibly scared to not have this type of connection. And so, when this happens I react with either deep sadness or depression, or furious anger and resentment towards the person who is triggering all this painful stuff. It's really like I feel like I am going to die, so there is a part of me that is acting out of survival mode to keep its existence. And this is the closest experience I have of my ego, of that sense of self that needs these very dramas to survive. And so when it is threatened, it becomes more extreme in its intensity, and from this I can totally understand how lovers have killed each other. To feel this type of annihilation, there's a part of me that wants to annihilate whatever is the cause of its own death. And it's true, a part of me has to die, if I am going to go through this, and actually learn from it, and ultimately become more awake. Eckhart Tolle says that the ego only exists in time, and it's so interesting because I find myself constantly worrying about the future and dwelling on the past, when I feel this pain... I think about this summer, and all of the sexual energy that comes with the summer staff, and just thinking about Katie hanging out with, making out with, fucking some other dude, and it creates so much anger, so much resentment, and so much sadness that I feel that I am going to die. Then I think about how, just a few days ago, she was sleeping in my bed on a cold night, and her warmth kept me alive in our cold house. And it's suffering, it's absolute suffering.

And I know that dwelling in these fantasies is suffering. And it's crazy because we all have the experience about thinking about the future and dwelling on the past, but most times, these experiences don't affect me the way they are right now. And really, the only experiences of not suffering these days are when I am taking each experience and just being with that. LOTS of sitting is definately in order. Because it's a practice to be that present, to keep coming back to the present moment,, and yet the more this happens, the more my ego-structure pulls out all these tricks to survive.

At least I have a view of how it could be. I can imagine being able to accept, over and over the realness and reality of my present situation, and actually loving Katie in a way where I don't have to protect myself. I think one of my only experiences of actually doing this has been with my sister, and a few of my close friends. It doesn't matter how my sister acts, what type of life she leads, even if she can't always experess her love toward me, or even always being there for me. I love her, and will continue to love her no matter what, and really I just want her to be happy, however that looks like for her. Why can't I do this with Katie? She needs space, this is what she values and cherishes. She might even need some other guy to create happiness and openness in her life. Why can't I just wish the best for her, no matter what, even if she isn't showing this same love towards me?

I'm being honest when I say that I can't really do that yet. But, somehow, when I aspire to just love her, without conditions, when I choose to focus on how much I really care about this person, some space arises in the situation and in my heart.

I woke up this morning to a clear blue sky, sun shining, warmth on my back. Within an hour heavy winds brought in a snow storm, and now it's cold and snowing. And I look at my window, and the snow is dripping off the roof, melting already into the ground. I can already see the edge of the storm, blue sky on the horizon. How quickly the weather changes up here.

Life is in motion. Born out of motion, sustained through motion, ended by motion.

These feelings have their own life. They arise, burn and burn, but they fall away. And arise, and burn and fall away... and arise and BURN and yeah, fall away. It's just that I on't notice this process. It looks as if it's all just one never-ending BURN right now. But it's not.

I feel.... pain. It comes out as loneliness, depression, anger, resentment. But, it's all the same sensation. pain. Drive all blames into one.

Ah, life. ah, life.

I feel it in my chest.

Even though I haven't written in a long time, I've had a lot going on. And one of the reasons I started this blog, was to write no matter what. Whether my life was exciting, happy, painful, or just plain boring, this practice of writing and creating something, or just recording and processing, is somehow useful, and interesting.

To feel pain and not run away. To accept whatever's happening, just accept it, and keep coming back to the reality of how things are, to the reality of the current situation, to the feelings and sensations in my body. To know the difference between feeling a sensation and letting your thoughts run away with it, interpreting it, creating stories, fantasies, nightmares, and instead just feeling it, feel that sensation in your body, and when thoughts come, when tears come, stay with it, and see if it kills you, or see if it just flares up and burns out like a match.

So, Katie moved out. She's pretty much gone. The house feels, well a bit odd, things are missing on the walls, on the shelves, in the closet. There's all of this negative space in the house where Katie and her stuff used to be, like a constant reminder of that void I feel in myself, but also, reminding me of the reality of the situation. I am finding that when I struggle with it, when I wish things were different, when I begin to wish that Katie was still here, lying in bed with me, it makes existence incredibly hard, and I feel like I really am going to die. Yet, in feeling the same pain, that is created from the same situation, the same house, the same empty space on the walls, the same coldness in bed, and actually accepting the situation, I can live. I can actually live well, and slowly, somehow ease the struggle.

I am incredibly sad. I feel tightness in my chest. The house needs work, now. I am now living by myself. I am single again. I haven't kissed another girl in over three years. I feel insecure about attracting other women. There is mystery all around. Can I accept this? Can I accept all of this? ????................................

Well, yeah, I can. If I look at my life with open eyes, that's what I see, this is what I'm feeling. And while it hurts, I don't actually have to suffer. Crazy. There is so much space now, that I don't know how to feel it. Yet, when I think about the dunes, or think about traveling through India, or think about just living here, all there is is open space, and you can either freak out and try to gain some reference points, or you can just fuckin let go, and feel what it feels like to be engulfed in a mystery.

It's a practice, however. It takes a certain amount of discipline. Because no matter what, I'm going to run into Katie EVERYDAY. I'm going to be living in the house that we shared, EVERYDAY. And I am no doubt going to feel pain and sadness, and probably a slew of other painful emotions for a while, and the initial knee-jerk reaction is to go a bit crazy and struggle struggle struggle. So, it takes a little bit of effort, well probably a whole lot of effort at first, to feel this pain, to accept this situation, and still live live live, and somehow, still be grateful for this life. Just feel it, and let it teach you something. Just feel it, and see if it really kills you. Just feel it, and keep coming back to the sensation itself. See it arise and fall.... unpredicatable as the weather. We can really adapt.

I think the hardest part is accepting that I have to break down this emotional connection I have with Katie so we can eventually be friends. So that means, I really can't rely on her for the type of connection that we shared before. I have to regain that sense of independence. Bring out that sense of actually wanting to be separate. This could be fun.

So, I want to keep writing, because this felt really fuckin good.

I love you, Mike. I love you, too.

Peace.

I don't know what to say...

But I guess I'll just start writing anyway...

Spring is coming, and everything seems to be waking up around me. Trees seem to breathe more, fuller breaths.... buds on every bush, and today, I'm comfortably wearing a warm-up jacket. It smells like soccer season.

I can remember when I first moved up here that I would really feel the seasons. Growing up in Colorado, each season is usually pretty tangible, you can feel the momentum of the earth's rotation, and watch the stars in the sky change, disappear and reappear. I've always been excited about winter because Orion makes his appearance. And in the summer, he's gone. There are soooo many stars up here, even more than you can see at The Ranch. And I really didn't even know the extent until I put my friend's glasses on. I was missing out on so many little pockets of the universe. So much so, that I am going to drop a few bills just so I can look at the stars through a pair of glasses. I can truly function in pretty much every other part of my life without glasses... but to miss out on see the depths of the sky here... I can't miss out on that.

I think I tend to be a pretty spacey dude sometimes. And I feel so at home with just kinda zoning out and looking at the stars till you get a crick in your neck. It's like all my crazy thoughts and neouses, all my worries and weight of just being alive get pulled into the night sky when I look at its vastness. And it doesn't happen when I'm looking at anything in particular, not when I'm admiring Orion, but when I'm just staring at the whole thing, and feeling like the whole thing is staring right back at me.

I think my most vivid experience of this was at the Dunes.

I want to take some of my new friends there. Which is somehow kind of conflicting because that place is so special to me, and my childhood buddies. It's like I want to get permission from Ben and Boomer to actually take people that they don't know to the bowl. But I've been thinking about that spot a lot lately. That is the greatest church I've ever been to. That place is my Sun Dance tree, it's my Vatican, it's my Mecca. And yet, ultimately, why can't every place be like that? Why do we as humans have to distinguish one place from another as more special. I don't know, but it makes sense, somehow, because hanging out in a bar in Boulder, smoking cigarettes and getting drunk is simply not the same, or as meaningful to me, as smoking cigarettes and getting drunk at the dunes.

Winter in Yin... inward, cold, nurturing, honesty... Summer is Yang... extension, outward, bloom.

It's not even Spring time yet, but the past few days have been a taste. It's not so fucking cold every day.

I think it's supposed to snow tomorrow.

Cool.

Here's to the neverending seasons. I appreciate you all.

broken window.

In the Taoist tradition one is never supposed to talk about their past, speak of their age, or any of that. But, I feel like telling stories is always good. (I'm not feeling very eloquent right now b/c I have a killer headache and one of my fingers is out of commission).

Today... not right now, but earlier today, I experienced a couple of incredibly striking moments, those kind of moments that just shock you into the present, and sorta wake you up to the way things are, and the way they might be going.

Um, Katie and I are having prahlems. What else to say? What details? I just don't know if our relationship be workin out. I don't know if it's healthy anymore. I'm not sure that we are creating ground in which to grow, together.

So, back to the title of this blog. The background is a nice peaceful morning. Katie and I just moved our bed into the sunny shrine room, a little nook for our sleepy time adventures. And in the midst of this moving, she tells me to move my shit so we can move a dresser, I throw my shit out of the path of the dresser, with a definate attitude, I also throw so of her stuff, also with a definate attitude, and she gets mad. She gives me the finger, and somehow we end up playfully fighting... which actually wasn't playful at all. We were fuckin angry. She gives me a slap to the face, slap boxing stylie, and I give her a dirty broom to the mouth. Next thing we know, Katie has a half-full (half-empty?) Nalgene in her hand and it's flying in my direction, missing me, and flying into the window.

And it was there... everything was there in that moment.... A perfect image of our relationship. And somehow, it was beautiful, and relieving to get all of our frustration out of our bodies and into the physical world. Right there, in the middle of the window was a perfect hole where the bottle had hit, with cracks going out on all sides, and shards of glass littered on the bed. None of our conversations to that point had been so honest.

And it really cut through... everything. Katie and I have had to work with this relationship, as we are working with ourselves so much these days. I think, we are both happy with our personal progression, but the relationship remains a constant source of frustration. It's not like, incredibly BAD or incredibly GOOD, it's just like.... my sore fingernail....

The other moment of the day worth mentioning came after lunch. I could feel emotion building up from that broken window, it was such a potent image. And that anger and frustration that changed the window from a single piece of glass to shards and cracks began to change me too... And as I walked into my house, my mind running around with these emotions, I slammed my finger in the door. Ouch, right on the fingernail. And again, I experienced a shock of pain that forced me to be present. When that type of shit happens, you're right there with it. And pain seems to have the powerful effect of bringing you back to the moment... b/c fuck it hurts so goddam much, how could you be thinking of anything else. My fingernail will eventually fall off and a brand new one will replace it. But there will be a time when the tip of the fourth finger of my right hand will be completely naked, unprotected, that soft tissue that normally lies comfortably under the nail completely exposed. And until that event, I am left with a dull pain, not so much to incapacitate me, or make me scream, but just enough to make me notice that my body isn't fully right.

It's not clear if Katie and I will part as I will part with my nail, but it does seem like, lately, there has been this kind of dull pain. And it's exposed now, more than ever.

So it's sad, to think that being with the person you love may not be healthy anymore. But that's life, I guess. And we live it to learn about these kinds of things. I love Katie. I Always will.... deeply. But, will we stick it out? That remains to be seen.

Either way, life is showing me how to be brave, how to be honest, and be more of myself.

Pain is the word of the day. Good, pungent, dull, cutting, old-fashioned pain. And today, I am grateful for it.

I'm In a Relationship

"The problem is that we don't really want to relate with the actuality of things as they are." --Chogyam Trungpa

Relationship. Hmmm, two people relating to each other. That's all that is. Two human beans, just relating with each other. And that somehow makes ALL the difference in the world. It can mean life or death for the most romantic, it can mean happiness or sadness, for many, and it can mean wholeness or searching searching searching for so so many. WHY?

I just had my three year, (kind of) anniversary with Katie. I say kind of because we were not together for like six months or so. Regardless of this silly detail, (which seemed like such a huge deal to me a couple days ago), on February 5th, 2003, Katie Day and I liked each other. We saw something in the other, that maybe filled that part of ourselves that was waiting to be ignited, maybe we had just enough millet beer to let our guard down, just long enough to actually let another person in, or maybe we were just so open from meditating and being in a new country that we could have fallen in love with anybody. Or maybe it was fate, or luck, or, as they say round these parts, "auspicious coincidence." For whatever reason, Katie and I got together, began to relate with each other, and ourselves in this new way, new yet incredibly familiar, and soon enough we loved each other.

Three years later....

Katie and I were out celebrating our Anniversary with a simple dinner. It was generally pretty fun, as it's always nice to escape the commune and go do regular people stuff. But, towards the end of the meal, after I was gettin pretty psched about things, Katie gets this look of... just being unsure, and she's terrified. Three years... two and a half years, whatever... is a LONG time to relate with someone. Unless they're your friend, or sister or mother or uncle or dog. And the feel of the night flips... holy shit, what the hell are we doing still together? I got hurt, and proceeded to drive us to the nearest bowling alley where I shared a pitcher of Coors Light with myself and got my ass kicked throwing balls down the alley. Katie was hittin strikes and I was just hitting myself, right in the crotchal region. And we fought, and Katie cried, and this continued for hours, till we went to sleep. And we've kinda been tense and fighting ever since...

Yet, we are still together. This is the first time I've been in a relationship where there's been really intense fighting and confusion and sadness, and we actually still stay together. In all of my previous relationships (excluding the ones with friends, sisters, mothers, uncles and dogs) there's a fight, then we break up. And that's that. With Katie, it's like, holy shit, we really are FIGHTING right now... hm, okay, let's work with it. Let's learn from this. Let's realize that we can't fulfill ALL of each other's needs, like creative expression, and meditation, and that kind of open attitude towards living, but we can actually wake up through all this heavy stuff.

And isn't that kinda what we do with so many of our other relationships? I mean not in the same way, but with my friends, if we disagree on something, or just have a run in of some sort it's not like, "Okay, that's it man. I'm totally breaking up with you. We're not friends anymore. Dick." No, absolutley not. There's no way I'd do that kinda thing. My friends are my friends. We may lose touch, we may get into some diagreements, but our friendship is truly never in question. And that's how it is... at least with guys. Girls might be a little different sometimes. By the way, why are you girls so fuckin' mean to each other? I think girlfriends break up with each other all the time.

I'm not trying to say that guys are better friends to each other than girls, I'm just noticing the difference in how we relate. Anyways, it's crazy, being with Katie, fighting, but somehow realizing that we have a relationship that is just as strong as the relationship I have with my friends, dogs too. What a freakin concept. This is not to say that Katie and I are going to live happily ever after and pop out fifteen babies in the next couple of years. But, I think, that no matter what happens, it'll be...

two people relating.

Space and Death

My sister just had one of her first real experiences with death. She's been to grandparent's funerals, and she has had fish that have died, but yesterday, I think she really touched the realness of death in a way she hadn't before. One of our dogs decided to run away for the night, and in the winters of colorado, for a little Bichon Frise, this is not very normal behavior. Worried, my sister decided to go to sleep and try to find her first thing in the morning.... she did. Lying on the driveway just outside of my sister's window, she found our dog Lucy, on the ground, lifeless. She woke up my parents and she just cried. She called me on the phone and told me she was sorry that our dog had died.

I think, for most of my life, I have been pretty scared of death. I can remember thinking about the subject when I was little and the realization that my parents were going to die someday was almost too much for my little brain to handle. And, in those times in my life, when I have felt unsafe, I was utimately worried for my life, scared that it might come to an end. And yet, in my experience, those times when I have felt most alive, are those situations when I have felt that fear of death, or just fear in general, and somehow, just leaned into it a bit . I think the people I most admire choose to live in this way. Yet, death is one of the only things we can really be sure of. So, yeah, we are all going to die, someday. And what happens then? who knows. Wouldn't it be funny if the Christians were right? And we start walking up to these pearly gates to be judged... A guy with a huge white beard is taking notes on a clpboard... "Michael? You shall now be judged!" I'd probably just look down and say, "Fuck! they were right, those bastards!" I guess I am more inclined to believe that we are just left with out karma, our habitual patterns, like our last thought, and that's what's left. 28 grams worth of consciousness, and whatever habits you've built up or broken down. So, in that sense, it makes things in the meantime, meantime being between now and when i die, not so fuckin serious, and binding. Yeah, I may not have the best habits right now, or I may not think in the way that makes me feel real open like that, or I may forget that the more I separate myself through self-consciousness, the more I feel separated from everyone and everything... I may smoke pot and just tighten up, instead of loosening out... but I'm slowly just workin on it, and slowly seeing more and more how silly the whole thing is, and maybe that's just the point of it all. We get mad, we get sad, we get shut down, we get open... okay, that's fuckin interesting.

And it's super interesting to me how much one's focus colors and shapes their experience of the world. Like in studying a little bit of physics, and the simple idea that light is both a particle and a wave... it's a wave, or like just little vibrations, when you're not looking at it, and then, when you look at it, it for some reason becomes a particle, as solid as anything else, fundamentally. So, what? Light changes its nature just because I'm looking at it? Well, shit, that's kinda like everything else. If I'm focusing on myself, and my feeling of separation, um.... I tend to feel a bit, separate. And if I focus on the play, and let go of that self-consciousness with that and through that, then, well, that feeling of separate self turns into etherlike potential again. It's like, sometimes, I just shut down, and I feel like there's this joke that everyone around me is in on, and I haven't heard the punchline yet. And then I start to focus on that separation between self and other, I get more self-conscious, and wammo, shutdown. Yet, it's not permanent, that feeling isn't so solid, because I can almost as easily let that go, and just play a bit, and I get the joke.... and it's fuckin funny. But then I wonder, hmmmm, what's easier for me these days, to open up, or shut down... and it's those type of questions that act as a mirror to my personal habitual patterns. The key, I am learning, and remembering, is to not take it too seriously, something I've been taught by all my good friends. It just makes things easier, more workable, and silly.

So if I die today, what would I be left with? Um, this blog I guess... if I'm doing this thing right.

So, I like this kind of writing. Thanks to those who are interested in this madness and sanity play. Love to you all.


"Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face.
Do you realize? that we're floating in space.
Do you realize? that everyone you know someday will die?" - The Flaming Lips

People do this now?

My eleven year-old sister keeps a diary, which is classicly formed with a lock and key on the edge, holding her most private words shut, safe inside for only her to see. Today, I have started a blog, that is pretty much the same idea but completely naked, for anyone to see...friends, strangers, and people who I kinda know, but mostly, really don't. And I am probably one of millions who likes this idea of writing whatever is going through your mind and exposing it to the vastness of the internet.


And there's something so fuckin cool about that I think. It feels, writing within this format, that you have to simply not be afraid of who you are, or more simply, and a bit less cheese, this act of posting a diary on the internet, might actually allow some people to be honest with themselves, and not hide it.

Well, that's at least what it's doing for me. And maybe, I just want to use this as a practice for that reason most of all, and I want it somehow, to be honest enough that I don't have to hide it away. I'm sure, if I do keep this up, entries will be superficial, some not, some boring, and some uncomfortably revealing. And perhaps, if I can show myself in this way through the internet, I can show up in the similarly courageous and honest way everywhere else.

So, yeah, that's about it, for now.